Sept5, 2013

Hello there. As you can probably guess, I am back at school. It's so different around here with almost everyone graduated. I wasn't sure how this year was going to be with so many people gone, but so far it's been very good and I think it's going to be a very good year.

I have officially changed my major to physics. I'm taking a physics class, two astronomy classes, and French. So far I am really liking my classes. I am doing much better! I am feeling motivated and really trying to do my best. I had my first test of the semester last week, in French, and got an A! I know it may not seem like a big deal, but compared to last year it's amazing. I am going to all my classes, doing all my homework, even doing the assigned reading. Well, okay some of it. Let's not push it. Have you ever tried reading a physics book? Yeah, not easy. I've really turned things around though, and I'm excited to show people I can do well.

I've also really been getting involved with the Revolution, the church I go to on campus. If any of you have read some of my previous blogs, especially from three years ago, then you know how different things have been for me recently. Basically, three years ago I was not doing too well. I was depressed, and just going through a really rough time. My friend Chad got me going to the Revo toward the end of that school year and I've been going ever since. I wasn't really involved though, I just went to church on Sundays. This year has been very different. I helped hand out cards for them during opening week as they handed out snow cones, I hung out with a few of them at Quad Bash, went tailgating with them, and then when I couldn't go to church that first Sunday before classes I still went to the picnic and then hung out with a bunch of them as they played ultimate frisbee and then a few of us went to Berry Winkle. They even walked there so I could go too. It's been a lot of fun. Tonight I went to house church for the first time. I was kind of nervous, but excited at the same time. I had a great time. I didn't know what it was going to be like. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because I'm going to start a new blog just for this stuff but I just wanted to say how happy I am to be doing all this with this church. I love it and am so glad that this came into my life when it did!

~Caitlin :)

Sept4, 2013

As I sit in the quad alone I look around. I had no intention of stopping here, but the weather and my need of a place to relax for a few minutes drew me here. I'm glad I did. As I sit here taking all of this in, I see God in every detail. I take in everything going on around me, the beautiful surroundings. I see God's work and am amazed. I don't mean the buildings or even the occasional person walking by. I see the different trees, the grass, the sunlight sparking through the branches as the wind blows, I hear a mixture of birds and bugs, and see leaves fall to the ground as their time comes to an end. But beyond these things I hear life going on as normal. Cars driving by, people talking on there way to their own destinations, the bell tower going off, and a marching band practicing in the distance. So many sights and sounds of life going on around me. I feel so blessed and am thankful for my life. I need to remember this feeling more often, to appreciate the little things, to see all the wonderful things that are right in the world. I dread leaving this little spot of mine and having to go back to the busy and stressful day ahead of me, but I take all this with me and I know that this will always be here. Maybe not this exact spot, but if I just stop and take a moment and look around it will be there.

My suggestion is to do this as often as you can. Whether it's just for a minute or for an hour, take the time to just relax. Go outside and appreciate the things around you.

~Cait :)

July30, 2013

Wow... remind to never do a summer to do list again. Either that or remind me to do actually do it hahaha. This was my list:

Goals for this summer:
1. Read The Great Gatsby
2. Paint at least 3 canvases, and 1 other thing
3. Get caught up on Doctor Who
4. Go without tv, phone, laptop, etc for an entire day
5. Read The Mortal Instruments series
6. Cook something
7. Have a Disney movie marathon with Macy (all day)
8. Drink 1 or less soda a day
9. Go on a walk
10. Have a fantastic birthday
11. Go to the movies (haven't been in a year)
12. Go to the zoo
13. Make more youtube videos
14.Watch all 8 Harry Potter movies in a row
15. Write in blog at least once a week

Pretty simple right? Yeah... I only finished those crossed out... my bad! I did some partially, like most days I drank 1 or less soda a day, I went without electronics for a day (except my phone), I painted some but not all 4 things, we tried to watch the Harry Potter movies but my wifi was jank at the time, and I passed the zoo twice hahaha.

It's been a pretty great summer though. I mean my birthday was amazing, and I did read, just not the books I planned on. Plus, I just finished Doctor Who yesterday! The last episode... I can't even... I cried like a freaking baby. I can't wait until November! There's a 50th anniversary and David Tennant is coming back!! I'm so excited!!

I don't really have anything else to write about. I go back to school in a couple weeks. I can't wait! I get to move in early because I am part of Opening Committee. But until then I probably won't have much to write about, things have slowed down tremendously. So until something interesting happens or I get really bored again...

~Cait :)

July25, 2013

Hello! Sorry it's been a while, it's been a crazy few weeks!

So my birthday happened. It was awesome! Probably one of the best birthdays ever to be honest! My mom, Lance, Macy, Caley and I met up with Natalie, Matt, JP, Christian and Belle for lunch. We ate at Rockbottom, downtown Indy, it was delicious. It was a lot of fun! And it was so good seeing them all! It's rough going almost all of summer break without seeing my friends. Then, Natalie, Belle, Jake and I went to see Fall Out Boy. I can't even describe how excited I was. We got there early because it was general admission and I wanted to be able to get up close so I could see. However, when we got there, we had to go a different way to use the elevator and there was no security! I'm not kidding! We just went right on up and into The Egyptian Room! It was awesome! The opening band was doing sound checks, and there was a couple people who worked there but that was it, no one else was in there. After the band left the stage we went up to the front, expecting the doors to open at any minute, but they didn't.

So we were hanging out talking when someone asks "is that them?", I turned around and sure enough Fall Out Boy was just walking by! I was freaking out to say the least. The thing is though, when I meet famous people I can't talk... especially when it's someone I really love. So they walked by and said hey and then went out into the hallway. My friends were like "why didn't you ask for a picture?!" but I couldn't, I was just too shocked. I figured they would walk back through though. And a few minutes (okay like 15-20 minutes) later Pete and Joe were walking back through. Luckily Jake went over, since I was just sitting there whispering "that's Pete freaking Wentz!", and asked if they would take a picture with me and told them it was my birthday. Pete said of course and then we took a picture.

While we were taking it Patrick was walking in and then Andy. So when we went to take another, to make sure it was okay, Patrick jumped in and then Andy yelled to wait and ran over to get in the picture too.

And then we took a big group picture. Which is funny because if you look at this one and then the one from 6 years ago, Pete and I are in the exact same places!

2013

2007

We were right in front for the show. I was super excited! But then I heard the security people talking about us getting hurt sitting right there. Then one of them (I think she was in charge) came over and asked if we'd like to move over to the side. We said no. Then a few minutes later the Production Manager came over and asked us the same thing. He said that they were worried about us getting hurt by crowd surfers and he wanted us to move off to the side in front of the gate. I told him I didn't want to, that I'd be okay. This was not my first concert like this, it wasn't even my first Fall Out Boy concert (it was my 4th). He still kept insisting, saying that Pete was worried about us and he said we would still be able to see. I said okay finally. If it had just been me I would have probably stayed, but I felt kind of bad because Natalie and Belle were there and I don't think they're used to that kind of concert. Plus we'd been asked twice. So they cleared a path and lead us over to the side. We could still see, especially since we were in front of the gate, so I was happy. I couldn't see the whole stage, like the back or the far left side, but it was okay. It was a really good show and it was a lot of fun! I'm so glad I got to go, especially on my birthday! Afterwards we were waiting by the buses, I'm not entirely sure why since I already got multiple pictures with them. But we were waiting, Natalie, Belle, and Jake left, so it was my mom, Lance, Macy, and Caley (who'd just come to pick me up) waiting with me. They put up gates because there were so many people, and no one was leaving. Macy and I were right up against the gate thing and Pete came out! Macy was freaking out, it was hilarious! I don't think she'd ever met a legit famous person before. She was taking pictures and I held out my ticket hoping he'd sign it. He was signing a few things before getting on the bus. He got over by us and signed my ticket and said happy birthday again and then moved on. Macy was like "did he just tell you happy birthday again?!" I told her yes and then we left because the rest weren't going to come out right away and I wanted IHOP. We had to get breakfast at midnight, it was my 22nd birthday, duh! It was probably one of the best birthdays ever! I know I say that every year, but that's just because I love my birthday and every year it gets more awesome! I don't know how I'm going to top all that next year though...

The awesome concerts didn't stop there. The next weekend Macy, Megan, Hannah, Whitney, and I went to see the Goo Goo Dolls and Matchbox 20! This time it was at Klipsch, which is pretty much my favorite place in all of Indiana. I love it there so much! Macy had never been there before so I was excited to get to show her it. Megan, Hannah, and Whitney had lawn tickets. Macy and I got tickets from Jake, who won them. They were for upper pavilion, in seats I couldn't get to. So they let me move to the front of the upper pavilion, right behind the walkway between them. I love those seats! They're fairly close, and up a little bit so you can see over everyone perfectly. It was a lot of fun! Even if we did almost get lost three times in Indy trying to get to Panda Express, then Jake's house to get the tickets, then to Goodwill in Noblesville.

Then a few days later, Macy, Caley, Kristen, and I went to the Justin Bieber concert. I know, I know, Justin Bieber. I think they just got me tickets so they could sit down in front haha. It was in Bakers Fieldhouse, or whatever it's called, where the Pacers play, and we had floor seats. I was excited even though I wasn't his biggest fan. I thought Cody Simpson and Carley Rae Jepsen were opening, I had read that somewhere online, but I was very wrong. The three of them wanted tshirts and the lines were crazy so by the time we got down to our seats the show had started. I wasn't too worried though because I have no idea what Cody Simpson sings. It wasn't him though. It was Mike Posner. He was pretty good and our seats were awesome. They were off to the side, so we could see everything. Then when he was done they brought out the drums and guitars for the next band. The drums said HCR on the front, so I knew it wasn't Carley Rae Jepsen, but I couldn't figure out who it was. Then some guy came out and said "give it up for Hot Chelle Rae!" ... HOT CHELLE RAE!! I looove them! I couldn't believe they were there! They were so good too! I was more excited about them than Justin Bieber! It was awesome!

Then Justin Bieber was on. I wasn't sure what to expect. I have never heard that much screaming from the fans in my life, it was intense. The opening was awesome though! I've been to a LOT of concerts and this was probably the coolest show I've seen. The effects were so cool, there were tons of lights, a huge set, even fireworks!

Opening song

Huge set

There was this thing he got in to and went around the crowd too. It was so cool! It was a really good show! I had a lot of fun!

So it was a busy couple of weeks! 3 concerts in 10 days! It was a lot of fun though! Now I'm back to boring, relaxing summer. Nothing else is going on. I go back to school in a couple weeks, I'm really excited! This is the first time I've ever been excited to go back, not just to see friends, but for my classes as well. I think it's going to be a very good year!

~Cait :)

June12, 2013

Hello! This summer is going incredibly fast! I can't believe it's almost the middle of June already. Pretty soon it's going to be my birthday (and we all know how excited I get for my birthday). We're going out to eat and then Natalie, my mom, Lance and I are going to the Fall Out Boy concert! I cannot wait!

It's hard to believe that I'm going to be 22. If you weren't aware, the doctors told my parents I wouldn't live past 2. Guess I proved them wrong, eh? It's crazy, I feel healthier and happier than ever. Sure I still have my sad moments. I may just be feeling like this because it's summertime. Either way, I like it.

I don't really know where I am going with this post. I started with something in mind but can't remember now. I'm bored and felt like typing. I can type so much faster when my laptop is actually in my lap so I feel like I should blog and stuff when I have it like this.

I guess I'll do another list...

Goals for this summer:
1. Read The Great Gatsby
2. Paint at least 3 canvases, and 1 other thing
3. Get caught up on Doctor Who
4. Go without tv, phone, laptop, etc for an entire day
5. Read The Mortal Instruments series
6. Cook something
7. Have a Disney movie marathon with Macy (all day)
8. Drink 1 or less soda a day
9. Go on a walk
10. Have a fantastic birthday
11. Go to the movies (haven't been in a year)
12. Go to the zoo
13. Make more youtube videos
14.Watch all 8 Harry Potter movies in a row
15. Write in blog at least once a week

These are just some goals I have. I will keep you updated on how many I get done. If you have any suggestions for what else I should do please comment below or let me know some other way!
~Cait:)

June3, 2013

Hello there! I know it's been less than a week since I wrote last, and nothing has really happened since then. Just the usual hanging out, watching movies and such. Nothing exciting has happened... yet in a way something has changed.

Last week I was feeling very down. Almost like I was two years ago. It got pretty bad. I was feeling very lonely, sad, and was just in a very dark place. But today, just within the last hour, I noticed it's gone. I don't know what changed but I'm happy. Very happy.

As you know, I've been struggling with eating problems for several years now. I've lost over 50 pounds since high school, which may not sound like a whole lot but for someone in a wheelchair who can't hardly move and who doesn't like too much healthy food, it is a lot. I've been trying to get on a normal eating pattern. I figured that's the first step. I always eat at least twice a day now, even when I don't want to, even if it's just a little. I think this is helping me. It's definitely helping my energy I think.

I have so much confidence right now, and my self-esteem is higher than it's ever been. I don't know what changed but I'm glad it did. I feel great! I don't really care what others think anymore. I mean, sure, I'll always care about what they think but I'm not going to dwell on it any longer. I'm not going to let it get to me and upset me. It's time to start making me happy instead of worrying about if I'm okay by everyone else's standards. If you don't like me the way I am, that's your loss, I have plenty of friends who love me just the way I am.

I have more confidence now than I ever have. I'm happier than I've been in a long time. I'm looking forward to the future and what it holds for me.
~Cait :)

May29, 2013

Hello! I don't have much to blog about. I haven't done a whole lot since I last wrote. I've painted some and watched movies, and watched a lot of Doctor Who. Until this weekend that's pretty much all I'd done.

John and I hung out, usually with at least one or two of his friends. We played soccer and chilled outside, it was pretty fun. Monte came over for a couple days. I hadn't seen him in forever! (Okay, like a week, but before that it was like five months) I can't believe how big he is, I still see him as the little 6 year old I used to babysit, He's 12 now. Crazy how time flies. Macy mentioned last night that after Friday she'll officially be in 8th grade. I can't believe this! I can't believe that her and John are going to start their last year of middle school in just three short months. --- Macy and John are my little sister and brother. They are both 13. No they're not twins, they're not even related. My mom had Macy and my stepmom, Becky, had John. They just happen to only be a month apart. I remember when they were born, I was 8. I can't believe they're teenagers now.

Anyway... Yesterday was Memorial Day. My aunt Lori and her husband Trevor are up here from Florida, so my grandma and her "man friend" came up, my cousin Shelby came up, Lori and Larry (Lance's sister and brother-in-law) came over, and then I invited Natalie and Jc. We had a lot of fun, or at least I did. It was supposed to be a cookout but it rained so we all stayed in. Natalie, Jc, Shelby, Macy and I played Nintendo 64 and Apples to Apples, and ate obviously. It was great seeing them. I was worried it was going to be awkward, the reason I invited them in the first place was because I thought Megan and Macy were having friends over, I thought Shelby was bringing her boyfriend, and I thought there was going to be a lot more people here, but none of them came. It all turned out okay though.

That's pretty much it though. Tonight we're having a bonfire and hanging out. I'm so glad it's summer vacation! At the same time though, I'm anxious for the new semester to start, to get my act together, to officially change my major, and to just try as hard as I can to do better. Until then I will keep you updated on my rather boring, but relaxing summer. I just can't wait for my birthday! It's officially in one month! It's like 2 am so it's official. I can start inviting people on the first! We're going to have lunch/dinner in Indy, I haven't decided where yet, before the concert. I can't wait :)

~Cait

May18, 2013

Hello there! It's summertime!! I am so excited to be out of school for the summer. I need a break to get myself together so I can really do well next year. I love being able to just do nothing and sleep all the time, however I haven't really been able to do that much. I stay at my dad's when my mom has to work because she works at 6 am, but then while I'm at my dad's I have to get up early when Becky works even if my dad doesn't because he can't use one arm right now. So I pretty much get up around 7 or 8 every day and go to bed around 10, unless I'm at my mom's. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be, and it's actually probably good for me to get on this schedule since I have an 8 am class every day next semester and I won't be able to nap all day.

Normally I dread coming home for the summer, but I'm actually happy about it this time. It's good seeing my family, and I'm having a great time with John and Macy. Since they're older we can actually talk about stuff and relate. I can talk to them about stuff that they're going through and they can listen to me and my drama. Macy is pretty much my therapists, she knows everything. With that and her not acting her age, we've become really close the last couple of years, she's honestly become one of my best friends. And John, we've had our differences but we really get along now and have a great time. They're still in school for a couple more weeks though, so in the mean time I'm very bored. I miss my friends but I'm sure I'll get to see them soo, well some of them hopefully.

It's been pretty nice relaxing and not doing anything. I've watched a lot of Doctor Who, and other random movies, and I've painted some. I love that it's getting so warm and sunny out! It's so nice! I could just sit outside forever! But then I would get terribly sunburned hahaha. I think it's going to be a pretty decent summer though, so I'll try to keep you all updated.

~Cait :)

April30, 2013

Hello there. I haven't written in a while, I know. I've been busy, yet nothing big has really happened. The past 3 weekends have been incredible. I've been able to see my closest friends and have had a really good time. However, I'm having a really rough time right now.

I'm getting better at hiding how I feel. I've been putting up walls like I used to, hiding my pain. It's really complicated. I'm happier than I've ever been but at the same time I am depressed because I know it is all ending soon.

It's my fourth year here and I am changing my major. I am very excited for this change and to be able to kind of start over. It's been a rough couple of years. I lack motivation and have been doing poorly in my classes. I was supposed to do better this semester... I'm doing worse than I ever have. I keep lying to people saying I'm doing fine but the truth is I'm not. I'm doing awful. I have had zero motivation to try at all this semester, I barely went to class, all I want to do is sleep, and then when I do finally get motivated I can't focus at all. My motivation and focus have gotten so bad. I think I am going to talk to my doctor over the summer to see if there is anything I can do to fix this. Maybe it's time to face the fact that I need help.

This isn't what's depressing though. I am having a really rough time with all of my friends graduating. I'm happy for them and so proud of all they have done and will do, but I'm going to miss them so much. It's going to be rough. Belle, Allen, Sifat, Donelle, Ethan, Bri, Tyler, Ashley, and Mike are all graduating. That's a lot of my friends, and so many of my closest ones. Some of them I have really gotten close to this year and I can't believe our time is almost over. And then Shannon and Chaneigh are graduating this summer, so there's two more. And then Matt is in December, which I can't even think about right now. I can't think about my best friend leaving... They're all moving on to bigger and better things. I have no doubt that they will each be successful in whatever they are doing. I'm so glad they have some of these opportunities. Whether it's going to grad school, teaching in New Mexico, working at Disney, studying in Africa, or simply just going out into the world and working, they will do great things. But I will miss them like crazy.

I'm trying not to show how sad I am. I want to show that I am supportive. It's hard though. Graduation is in just four short days. I wish I could spend the rest of the week with them, having a great time, forgetting that I may never see some of them again after this week. But on top of being crazy busy with finals and stuff, I've grown apart from some of them. I wish I could fix it but I'm not sure what went wrong.

I guess we'll just have to see how things go. It's going to be an emotional week, that's for sure. I'm going to miss everyone terribly, but am happy for them. I can't wait to see what all they do. I just hope we keep in touch. I'll write again soon, I'm going home Saturday so I will be able to write more often. So until then....

~Caitlin

April7, 2013

Hey! Sorry it's been so long! Not a lot has been going on out of the ordinary. I can't believer there's only three weeks of school left! It's going to be so hard saying goodbye to everyone. I don't want it all to end. I knew this day would come but I didn't think it'd come so quickly. This has got to be the worst part of growing up. Almost all of my friends are graduating. A few of us aren't but there are a lot who are. I'm trying not to think about it and trying to spend as much time with them as I can.

I don't have a whole lot to write about, I just felt like I needed to since it's been a month. I'm happier than I've been in a while, and it's lasted a while. I think it's because I've realized who my true friends are and I'm done caring about what the others think. There are some other things going on that are also making me happy but I'm not going to write about that yet.

I remembered that I was doing lists of favorites but haven't done any in a while so I'll do one of those...

Top 10 Countries I Want To Travel To:
10. Russia
9. Greece
8. India
7. England
6. Australia
5. Egypt
4. Italy
3. Ireland
2. France
1. New Zealand

~Caitlin

I also forgot that I was putting songs that I was listening to on the end of these. So the song for today is Fall Out Boy's new song that was just released The Phoenix. AH! I didn't write on here about them yet! They got back together in February!! There new cd comes out next week! And get this, I had a dream back in February that they got back together to do a show for my birthday, which wasn't too unusual because I have had dreams of their concerts before, but the next day I found out they got back together and were going on tour this summer! AND when I went to see if they were coming to Indy I saw they were...ON MY BIRTHDAY!! I'm not even kidding! I'm so excited!!! I already bought tickets :)

Mar9, 2013

Well hello there! It is my last day at home over Spring Break, I am sitting alone in my living room watching The Last Song. My mom, Lance, Lori and Larry are in the kitchen, Megan is gone, and Caley, Macy and two of her friends are in the hot tub. I'm not really upset, I should've expected as much. I don't know, I guess I just didn't want to spend my last night home sitting here by myself. Oh well.

So I decided to blog, since I haven't done it in a couple weeks or so and I have nothing else to do. Everything is going pretty well. I am still really happy. I have my moments when I start slipping back into the way I was but then I try to stop dwelling on things and just be happy. So far it's been working. I don't really have much to blog about this time. I'm happy, I'm working on my eating problem, I have an idea of what I want to do with my life...which I guess I haven't blogged about now that I think about it.

I mentioned before that I am changing my major but at the time I didn't know what to. Well, I do now. There's a part of me that many of my friends don't know about, or they didn't until a few weeks ago. I love science. I'm good at math. In middle school I was on the math and science academic teams, in high school I got A's in calculus and all my science classes. I loved them and truly considered astronomy as a major when first starting college. However, I also loved fashion, and still do, so I went with that and decided to put all of that other stuff behind me. I got a social life, I became a bad student, and I didn't really care about school. I'm sick of that though. I want to do well in school. I want to prove that I am smart and can do well if I try. I didn't want to be a "nerd" anymore but I tried so hard not to be that I went too far. I'm barely getting by with my grades and I hate it. This semester I took on too much and am not doing as well as I could, those habits are hard to break, but I'm doing better I think. And I know I will for sure do better next semester.

So what is my new major? Well... I'm going to major in physics and minor in astronomy, I will also have minors in French and fashion as well. I wanted to do astronomy but they don't offer that as a major so I'm going to physics. Then I really want to go to grad school for astronomy after. Eventually, the dream goal would be to work for NASA. I know it's going to take a lot of work. And nobody, other than my dad, really believes me or thinks I can do it, and I don't blame them with the way my grades have been in college. But I know I can do it, and I'm really excited about it. I haven't been this excited about school in like 3 years. I will keep you updated. This is the plan for now though and I can't wait for people to see what I can really do.

~Cait :)

Feb25, 2013

To eat or not to eat? Why is that always the question?

This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week as well as Self-Injury/Suicide Awareness Week. Great, so let's focus on my two of my biggest problems in the same week...

I haven't cut in almost 4 months and before that it had been a year and a half. I think I'm doing very well with that and am proud of myself. I do not believe I have an eating disorder. However, I am very aware that I have an eating problem. I've talked about it before so I'm not going to go into detail.

This week is making me aware of these issues though. Especially the eating problem. It's making me very self-conscious about what I eat to the point where I'm almost scared to eat with my friends out in dining or wherever. I don't want to draw attention to myself and I feel like since all these events are going on this week it'll be easier to notice it, if that makes sense... I don't know how to explain it. I'm not very good at expressing myself especially through writing. I guess I just don't want people to think I have an eating disorder because I don't. I'm working on it but it takes time. I can't just go from barely eating to eating a normal amount in one day. It's going to take time. So I hope you all are patient with me and supportive as I work through this on my own.

As for the self injury thing, I've done it once in almost two years and I regretted it instantly. It was stupid and I realized that. I've thought about it a couple times but with the help of some amazing friends I've gotten past those feelings.

I'm currently happier than I've ever been. I am not sure what really changed but I'm glad it did. It's been like this for a few weeks now. I didn't want to say anything because the last time I felt like this, as soon as I said something about it something happened to make me feel like crap again. Not this time. I won't let it happen again. Sure, some days are bad but I'm sick of it being everyday so I'm just not going to let it! I'll keep you updated but for now I'm happy, I'm working on some of those problems, and I'm so grateful to have the support from the best group of friends in the world!

~Caitlin :)

Feb10, 2013

As I'm getting older my friends are graduating from college. I should be but with not doing so well and changing my major I am a little behind. I don't have a problem staying here longer, I love it here. However, it's hard with all my friends graduating. It was really hard with Natalie graduating, and then Laura, Daniel, and Nick. But I still see or talk to at least Natalie and Nick quite a bit. This year is going to be extremely difficult though. So many of my close friends are leaving, some that I've been friends with for years and some that I've just started getting closer with in the last year or so. These are the people I'm going to talk about in this post.

Donelle, Donnie, Don Don, etc. We met my freshman year and started talking one day because we were wearing the same Paramore shirt from the same concert. This started our friendship. We discovered we were at the same concert and that you could actually see me in the back of one your pictures sitting behind you a bit. We bonded over music and this brought us together. It wasn't until the following year that we really started hanging out though. I have so many great memories with you and am going to miss you so much!

Ashley. We didn't really start hanging out until last year but we didn't officially ever make plans with each other until this year, and now we eat lunch together almost every day. I'm so glad that I got to know you and that we've become closer friends. Whenever I'm upset and tweet about it or anything negative you are always one of the first and few to text me, either asking me if I am okay or simply telling me to smile. I am so grateful that you are always there for me. I'm going to miss you!

Shannon. I always remember meeting you and Brandon in Tyler's room, everyone being awkward and not talking to each other. I'm so glad that changed. I'll always remember sitting out at the desk, ordering too much pizza, painting nails, and watching countless movies with you, and don't forget failing at making everyone ornaments. I'm glad we became such good friends and I'm really going to miss you!

ALLEN! I am going to miss yelling at you every time I see you. I can't believe you're graduating. I've lived next to you since I was a freshman and I really can't imagine you not being here. I don't want someone taking your room next to me. We haven't hung out as much this year as we used to but when we do it's like nothing has changed, like we never stopped hanging out. I'm going to miss you!

Belle. SWU! I've been friends with you the longest, which is why this is so hard to write. I can't believe we met almost 7 years ago. We didn't become friends right away, we did the next year, and it really helped knowing someone when coming here. I feel like I've known you forever and I really can't believe you're leaving. I have so many great memories with you, not just from school but from camp as well. I'll always remember seeing you at Target that first summer I met you, right after camp. I didn't go say hi though because I didn't know if you knew who I was. I hope we continue to be such great friends, I'm going to miss you!

Michael Mike. I'm so glad to have gotten know you better in the last year. I'm so thankful for all you do for me whether it was coming to plug my chair in or push me every time it died last semester, picking up my phone for me constantly, or spraying my wheels when they start getting obnoxiously loud. I love all your random facts that you always have for us all the time and watching movies in your room. I'm going to miss you!  

Briiiiiiiiiiiii Cheeeeese. I guess I'll start with the fact that I can't believe we've lived in the same town our whole lives, lived in the same neighborhood and hung out at the same pool for years but didn't become friends until sophmore year here. I'm very glad that we finally did though! You're such a wonderful person. I love going out to the bars with you and of course Puerto's Fridays, even though those don't happen anymore, hopefully they will again soon. I'm really going to miss you!

Ethan. I know we haven't been friends for very long but I felt like I needed to include you in this too. I've known you for a while, because of Abso, but you had no idea who I was. I remember the first time we actually hung out you introduced yourself and I almost said I know when you said your name, but I didn't want to sound like a creeper. I'm glad we became friends, but I wish it would've happened sooner! You crack me up and I love tweeting #shitEthansays, and of course our poking wars until 1-2 in the morning every night. I'm going to miss you!

Tyler. I don't even know where to start with you. We've been friends for over two years now, but I feel like this year we've become even better, closer friends. We've had our share of ups and downs but overall the good definitely outweighs the bad. You've been there for me through so much and I'm so grateful for not only that but also for you constantly inspiring me and pushing me to try harder and to be all that I can. We've had some amazing times together and I hope that we continue to be friends after you graduate. I'm going to miss you!

I'm so grateful for all the good times I've been able to share with each of you. You've impacted my life in one way or another, probably more than you realize. I'm proud of each of you and am happy for you for graduating, I have no doubt that you'll each do very well in whatever you decide to do. I hope that even as you guys leave we stay friends. You've all become some of the best friends I've ever had and I'm really going to miss you!!
~Cait :)

Jan27, 2013

Hello, sorry it's been a while since I last wrote, it's been a crazy month. I've decided to switch my major but I'm not sure what to. I'm leaning toward something in math or science. I'm decent at these. I'm good at math, I like it because it's always the same, there's a specific answer and way to do things, it's not opinion based, I can't be judged based on my answer, it's either right or wrong. I like science because it takes these qualities but you can expand on it. Things are definite but at the same time there's so much unknown.

What brought this up was a dream I had while taking a nap earlier. In the dream I was asked what my dream job was. I named off a few different things, they weren't new, they were things I always thought about and considered. The answers weren't what the dream was based on, however I wish I would've said one definite 'job'. What the dream was about was what I said after.

I have friends who don't believe in love, friends who don't believe in marriage, friends who fall too easily, friends who don't really know what they want, and friends who do. And then there's me. I've only really liked 3 guys. Sure, I've had a bunch of little crushes but these were different. I've seen love bring together people unexpectedly and I've seen love tear people apart. I guess it goes without saying that I do believe in love. As much as I'm told it doesn't exist in today's world, I disagree. Have I ever been in love? I don't think so, but I still believe in it.

In my dream, after I talked about my dream jobs, the person asked what is that I truly want. My answer was to be loved and cared about. I said that "it wouldn't matter what job I had, I could be working in a cubicle everyday but if I had that one person in my life that really loved me then I would be happy". This may seem insignificant to most but I think it told me a lot about myself. I don't really like that this was my answer, especially considering who I was talking to in my dream. I don't want to be that person who's happiness is based on whether someone loves me or not.

The more I got to thinking about this though, the more I realized that's not what I meant. I want to chase my dreams, I want to be happy with whatever I choose to go into, but I think I'll be happy with whatever that is. I also think that I meant that I do want to fall in love, I want to feel wanted, and that love is a very powerful thing, whether you believe in it or not. You can't deny that people care deeply for others. I also thought this was an interesting statement because of my inability to tell people I love them. I can tell my family, but it wasn't until last year that I could say it to friends, and I can still only say it to a couple of them.

I don't really know what the point of this blog was, I guess just to talk about how I feel. I've never really expressed my opinion on the subject of love. This all may mean nothing but to me it does. It seemed very important in my dream, almost relieving to say it. I don't know why. Who knows, maybe in the future I'll look back on this and understand more. Until then...

~Caitlin :)

Jan7, 2013

I've never been afraid of my diseases. Sure I've been angry, depressed, and everything in between, but never scared. Not until recently. This post is kind of a downer and I'm sorry for that. In order to talk about why I am scared I am going to talk about my past. Most of you reading this don't know much about it, in fact most of my friends don't know about it. It's not that I don't want them to know about it, if they ask I will tell them, but it's not something I just bring up and start talking about.

When I was ten months old I was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. The doctors weren't really sure what type, they often said different things. It was finally decided that I have Spinal Muscular Atrophy, but there are four types of that and they never officially said which type I have. They were confused because I could sit up on my own once someone sat me up, I could hold up my head, move my arms completely "normally", and even roll over, but I could not use my legs at all. I could move them but I couldn't even crawl. As the years went by it got harder and harder to lift my arms up over my head to the point where I couldn't do it anymore, I can't roll over by myself anymore, well I can roll over to my back if I am on my side sometimes. I can still sit on my own once someone helps me up, I can still hold my head up, and I still can't use my legs.

When I was a baby I started getting sick. I had pneumonia more times than I can count and have more memories of being in the hospital as a child than being out. I honestly don't remember a whole lot of the sick part, I think I blocked most of that out. I have been on vents numerous times, and have been extremely sick. My parents were told I wouldn't live past two, then it was four. The only "bad" thing I remember from the hospital was how many times they would have to stick me with needles to try and get an IV started. I remember one time in particular being so bad my mom had to leave. I was very young, there were multiple people surrounding me all poking me with needles trying to get one started, I was crying of course and screaming. I remember screaming for my dad, who stayed in there, asking him to help me get them away from me. I was so confused on why he wasn't helping me. I'll never forget the look on his face, or the pain and trauma I went through that day.

As bad as that was though, I had some really good times in Riley Hospital. I basically grew up there, as I said I have more memories of being in there than out. I remember on Sunday evenings, when it was pretty empty, going down stairs with my dad to the main lobby. He would let me go up and down the glass elevators as much as I wanted, he would get a manual chair and we would race up and down the halls, we would go into this room where there were statues and stuff and play hide and seek, he would take me upstairs to see the giant doll houses. I remember always wanting to go to the little library they had and the play room with all the toys, even though I usually wasn't allowed to because they were afraid of me getting more sick from the other kids. They would always bring me games and coloring books though. The hospital is where I got my imagination and my creativity.

When I was four, I kept getting really bad. They weren't sure how much longer I was going to make it. That summer I got to "make a wish". I went to Disney World with my mom, dad, and Megan. It was amazing of course, and I do actually remember bits and pieces. We also visited my grandpa while down there and went on his sail boat, while docked, and I remember seeing dolphins. I remember it very much. The sun was starting to set, and the sky was kind of orange. I didn't see the whole dolphins, just their fins as they went back under water and they looked like they were shining. I thought they were mermaids.  Now before you think I'm crazy remember I was four years old, had just spent days at Disney World, and The Little Mermaid was my favorite movie. But what was truly amazing about this trip was that I was actually healthy, and from then on I didn't get near as bad. Yeah I was still getting pneumonia quite a bit, but no more vents, no more staying in the hospital for a month or two at a time. It was to the point where my parents kind of knew how to prevent it or at least how to treat it so that it wouldn't get so bad. They both ended up going back to school to be respiratory therapist because of all this.

When I was seven I had my tonsils removed because I kept getting strep throat which would lead to a cold which would lead to pneumonia, or something like that. I then had surgery on my back. I had two medal rods placed in my back because of my scoliosis. That was the last time I was on a vent, and I was only on it because they were worried about putting me under for so long. I was only supposed to be in the hospital for a couple weeks, but toward the end of my recovery I got pneumonia again...shocker! So I was in there for a while longer, it ended up being over a month.

I got pneumonia multiple times after that but never bad enough to go to the hospital. At that point my parents were respiratory therapists and could take care of me at home. In a sense I missed the hospital, not that I missed being near death, but let's face it I missed being spoiled and I missed the fun times I did have while in there.

When I was fifteen or sixteen I broke my first bone, that I knew of. I had hurt myself numerous times before, especially my ankles, but never went to the doctor for them. This time it was my arm. I knew something wasn't right but I wasn't sure it was broken and nobody else thought it was broken. I went to school and couldn't use it at all because of the pain. My mom took me to the ER after school and when they said it was broken it shocked us both. I was then told that I have osteoporosis. Six months later I fell and broke my leg in three places. A year later I sprained my ankle. It was a long couple of years.

I also have tail bone problems because of my old chair. The seat wasn't comfortable and sitting in it for so long for five years really screwed it up. Apparently it's close to the skin. It's somewhat better now but I still have trouble with it once in a while. I also have been anemic a lot, have migraines often, and they're not sure but they have recently been talking about me having Lupus. This doesn't even cover my depression or eating problems.

I am in pain almost constantly. I don't even remember the last time something didn't hurt, some days are better than others but when I say better I mean doing daily things distracts me from the pain. This has been going on for years but I refuse to take pain killers. This is just one of the reasons I have been afraid lately. It's getting worse. It's bad, and it's not just my bones and muscles any more, it's internal. My stomach always hurts, my head always hurts, and even on occasion my lungs hurt. No one knows this. I'm afraid that if I start telling doctors then they will start doing a bunch of tests and honestly I don't want to know if anything else is wrong. I can imagine me barely eating is really making things worse. I know this, yet I can't stop because it's the only way I can really lose weight and if I was smaller than I would not only be able to move more but also feel better about myself. I'm also afraid of getting sick because I've seen it go downhill so quickly with others. It really terrifies me. I don't want to get so weak and sick to the point where I can't get out of bed.

I'm sorry this post is so long, I was going to write more but I will stop for now. If you actually read all this I appreciate it. I need someone to listen right now, even if I don't know you're reading it. I have wanted to talk to someone about this for a while now but have been too worried of what people would think. The only people who know about my eating problems are a couple of friends and those who read this, I don't want people to think badly of me because of it. I am working on it, I just don't really know how or what to do. I want to be healthier. I'm just scared and tired of putting on a brave face when all I want to do is tell someone why I'm really upset, which this is only part of what's been upsetting me. There's also school, the fact that I think I chose the wrong major, I am stressed beyond max, I can't sleep, and to top it all off I've like the same guy for over two years, and it keeps being brought up by everyone because apparently it's obvious even though I tried so hard to say it wasn't true, but I can't do anything about it, no matter how hard I try. But that's a post for another day. I don't want pity for the things I've said in this... I just want someone to tell me everything is going to be ok.

~Caitlin