April25, 2011

Wow I can't believe it's the 25th already! This month has gone by so fast! It's our last week of classes and then next week is finals. I'm glad but sad at the same time. I want to be out of class but I'm going to miss everyone a lot...This year has been incredibly amazing! I have met the greatest friends ever and I love them all. It's going to be so weird without being able to see them all the time. Even when we come back next year things are going to be so different next year. Almost everyone is moving out or graduation or something. I know we will all be friends still, but I'm going to miss being able to see them whenever I want. Anywho...So this weekend was pretty great. Macy came up and spent the night on Saturday and was here for Easter. It was fun. It was so quiet in the hall without everyone here, but we had a good time. We ordered pizza and went to church. It was a good Easter. Well I'm going to go take a nap and watch Drop Dead Diva.
~Cait :)

April23, 2011

Well it's Easter weekend and I'm pretty much here all alone. Only Bryan and Daniel are here but I think they are working on stuff, I'm not really sure. So I am watching movies all day. Right now I'm watching Gone with the Wind and it is taking FOREVER! haha. I really like it, I love old movies, but it's like 4 hours long. I'm trying to convince my little sister to come spend the night here, it would be fun. I'm going to be so bored tonight if Macy doesn't come over. Friday I went to the counseling center, and I'm going again next week. It helped and I'm glad I went. I then told my mom what had been going on. I was so scared to tell her, but am glad I did. Tomorrow I am going to church again, I loved it last week and I'm glad I have somewhere to go now. I feel like it will help me. Plus I missed church a lot. Well I'm going to go finish the movie, see ya.
~Cait :)

April21, 2011

Words can not really describe how happy I am right now. Last night was the night I needed. First of all, we had soccer practice which went really well. When we have practice though, I have to get in my soccer chair at like 3 or 4. It's a really comfortable chair and I like it but it's different and it has the controller on the side where as mine is in the middle and it has a bar that goes across that I use to move my arm a lot and without that it's hard to do many things. It's very hard to eat, for example, because I have nothing to lean my arm on so I can't lift it up hardly at all. Anywho, but we were at dinner and I was eating really slow because it was so difficult. My friend Matt, however, thought it was because I didn't want to eat. Oh I forgot to mention last time that I haven't been eating hardly anything in order to feel better. When I eat, I feel gross. I know this is wrong and I can't be starving myself like this, I'm working on it, but that's why Matt thought this. So yeah...But last night I wasn't sitting very comfortably in my chair after soccer because I had slid forward. Matt saw how uncomfortable I was and offered to put me in my normal chair. I said no because I wasn't really comfortable with that. No one besides my parents and aids have ever put me in my chair. Most people hadn't even seen me in my lift before. He eventually talked me into letting him try. I sat in my lift for a good 20-ish minutes. It was hilarious! I was scared for him to actually put me in my chair though because I'm not used to my friends being that close to me, you really have to push me back in order to get me back far enough. He did it though, and he did a great job. We then had a long, intense talk about stuff that's been bothering me. I actually went into details though. But he listened to it all, and he never left me. It felt so good to just get it all out there. When we left my room I was so happy it was ridiculous. I then went to Chad and Tyler's room. I'm not really sure what happened but it ended with Tyler reading my last blog. I left the room, afraid to be in there while he read it. I wasn't sure how he would react. I went to Donelle's room. Her, Matt, Jeremy and I were sitting in there talking when he came in...it looked like he was about to cry. I swear that was not my intent. I just wanted him to know how grateful I was. But yeah...so we talked and hugged and I know now that it's all good. I don't have to worry about him hating me and not wanting to be friends anymore. So it was overall a really good night. I feel sooo much better, and actually happy. A lot happier than I have been in a while. And I'm not faking it now, I'm not lying to myself or others about being happy. So Matt, if you are reading this, thanks! You are my best friend and I love you! As for the rest of you, I could not ask for better and more loving friends. I love you all and it's going to be hard saying goodbye in a couple weeks. But I know we are going to be friends forever, no matter how far we are from each other.
~Cait :D

April12, 2011

Wow...I take back what I was feeling yesterday. I could never be mad at him. If I tell this story, it will no longer be a secret, not that it is much of one anyway. Oh well, I'm kind of to the point where I don't care who knows anymore, and I need to get this out there so I feel better. So here we go... I have a serious self-esteem problem and yesterday was really bad. Some days are just worse than others. I was feeling bad about myself. I don't like how I look at all. I think I am fat, ugly, and often feel alone even when surrounded by friends. It really upsets me when I hear guys talk about how pretty or hot a girl is. Sunday I had to sit and listen to two of my friends talk about hot girls they saw where we were, one of them was who I like. It was really hard to listen to but I tried to act like nothing was wrong. He saw right through me though but I didn't tell him what was really bothering me. Yesterday I had to listen to a very similar conversation. I then went to my room and cried to the point that I began cutting my wrist...I don't do it hard or deep enough to do anything serious and I wasn't suicidal, but I do this once in a while to feel relief.  I know this is wrong and I don't do it very often anymore. This is the second time this semester. But after I calmed down I went to my friend Donelle's room to talk to her about it but my friends Tyler and Chad were in there and I saw that she was crying. So I instantly knew that that wasn't the time to be talking about my problems. I tried to comfort her the best way I could and eventually she calmed down and they started doing homework. I went to talk to some of my other friends down the hall when Matt saw my wrist. For the first time I actually believe he was mad at me. I was so upset that he was upset. We went to Donelle's room and he told her and Tyler. I talked to them for a few but didn't tell them why. We had to leave for a little while and a few hours later it ended being me, Donelle and Tyler. Tyler started by asking us how our days were and I told him not very well. We talked for a while and he really made me feel better. While Donelle and Matt were yelling at me and being mad at me, he was the complete opposite. He comforted me, hugged me and talked to me. This is all I needed. He made me feel better when nobody else could. If you are reading this, thank you. You have no idea what that means to me. He also gave me a movie to watch called To Save A Life. It was very good and made me realize that I'm not alone and that people do care. It showed the other people's views and I never realized how much it hurts others when I do these things or feel this way. I will forever be grateful for what he did for me. It was very eye opening and I promised not to do it again. And I'm going to try very hard to keep that promise. Today is a new day and I feel happy and different. I love my friends and am so glad I have them in my life.
~Cait :)

April11, 2011

Hey, so I decided to write on here to kinda vent a little bit but also hoping that someone will read it so I don't have to have this conversation with them. Lately some things have been bothering me and I don't know if I should say something or just let it go. I told a couple of my friends and they both told me to tell this person but I could use some more opinions. I feel like the guy I like acts different around me when it's just us than when we are with a bunch of people. He asks me to do things and go with him places quite a bit and usually it's just us, and when this happens he is really nice and funny and I feel perfectly fine and like everything is going to be okay. But then as soon as our friends are around he starts teasing and making fun of me. He does this to everyone and I know he is just joking around but he doesn't do it when nobody else is around and it's kind of confusing me. I don't know what I am supposed to think or how I should feel...what do you guys think? And I don't think I am just making this up in my head. I noticed this a couple weeks ago and have been watching to see if maybe I was just being paranoid but it's still happening...
~Cait

April7, 2011

Oh my this week has been hectic...there was a lot of drama the other night and I'm still not quite over it. We have this friend who is making some poor decisions in his life right now and my friend Donelle simply told him he needs to be careful and he over reacted. He wrote a note on Facebook about her that really wasn't nice. It was uncalled for and very rude, she was in tears. It made me and a few others that were with her very angry so we texted him saying that wasn't cool and he shouldn't have done that. He kept texting us saying all this crap about how bad his life was and stuff, and the last text he sent my friend implied he was thinking about suicide. We got so upset and scared and had no idea what to do. Me and Matt decided to go get the RA who was on duty and he got the hall director. They went to his room and he wasn't there but they called him and he agreed to call if he was having anymore of those thoughts. I don't think I've ever been that scared in my life. I thought it was all my fault. If I hadn't texted him he wouldn't be doing this, but he couldn't think saying these things about one of my best friends is ok. Especially since she didn't do anything but care and worry for him. I still feel guilty though. My friends keep saying it wasn't any of our faults, but I wasn't exactly nice in the texts I sent him. It was completely hypocritical of me to do what I did. I'm always saying how I wish everyone got along and that people weren't mean to each other but there I was yelling at him...But on to a happier subject, things are actually feeling somewhat back to normal. Besides the one person mentioned earlier, everyone is getting along and I don't feel awkward anymore. I mean so what if everyone knows my secret, it's not like I have control over it. It's not like I chose this...I can't wait for this weekend. Tomorrow night I'm going to the opera here. Matt's playing in it. Then Saturday I may go to Indy with everyone to go out to eat, and Sunday is the fashion show! I'm so excited, they keep saying it's going to be really cool. It's going to be fun, even if I do have to go by myself. Other than that not much is going on at this moment. But I have to go finish my homework so see ya!

~Cait :)

April4, 2011

Wow what an interesting night...so me and the person I like talked and I feel so much better! It was extremely awkward but I left feeling a lot braver and more confident. Andthe fact that he doesn't hate me and that it's nothing I did, is making me happier. I know he will never think of me that way but I guess I'm ok with that now, I kind of have to be there's nothing I can do to change his mind to give me a chance and to convince him I'm not like other girls, obviously. Oh well...but I feel a lot better now that it's out there.
~Cait :)

April1, 2011

Oh blog, I feel like I can just write anything down here but then I remember who all can read it...haha oops. So it's April Fools Day and I'm scared. I fall for everything! It's ridiculous...So anywho...Last night Matt and I did another prank to Donelle. We printed a bunch of copies of a couple pictures she hates and put one on everyone's doors and ALL OVER her room! It was hilarious!! She was like screaming/laughing. It was great. We have more planned for today but I don't want to say yet in case she reads this for some reason before we do it. Well I don't have that much else to blog about...OH! I may get to go to the Hey Monday concert!!! I'm so excited!!! I just need to find someone to go with me, so if you're reading this and want to join me let me know.
~Cait:)