Sept30, 2012

Hey there! Just wanted to update/talk about some stuff. So this weekend was awesome! Friday night Bri, Matt and I went to Puerto's. It was a lot of fun and we laughed sooo much!! I can't even remember all the reasons why but it was pretty great. Then Saturday was the NRHH conference, and it was The Hunger Games themed. Noyer was district 7, the lumber district. So we dressed up in plaid like lumberjacks and brought some of the trees from Noyer hahaha. We sang the "I'm a lumberjack" song from Monte Python, but changed the words for our roll call and won best roll call. It was hilarious. Shannon and I did a program about random acts of kindness and I think it went really well. Then I kind of helped with another program, or tried to. It was all a lot of fun. That night Matt came over to hang out and we just chilled all night. We didn't do a whole lot but it was great just hanging out like we used to. It was pretty fun especially when we were getting slap happy because we were so tired and we couldn't stop laughing. Then today Bri, Matt and I went to The Cup for breakfast and then went to church. It was great. I love this church so much and it always makes me feel so much better when I go.
The other thing I wanted to talk about is simply because I can't really talk to anyone about it. I really like this guy, I know I know, very cliché of me. But I do. A lot. I like him a lot and I just don't know really what to do about it. Every time I think of him or see him, even of its just a picture, I can't help but smile. Every time he gets brought up I can't help but smile and look like an idiot. But then when I start thinking more about it and him I get sad because I know I only have like a 2% chance of him ever feeling the same way. I know I can't tell him how I feel and I know he will probably never feel the same but I can't stop. It's frustrating. I told myself I wouldn't do this anymore but it's so much worse this time. I've never felt this way and honestly it scares the crap out of me because I don't want to be hurt again, and I don't know if I can handle having more to be sad about right now. I don't know...it's whatever. I guess for now I'm just going to go with the flow and if it happens to work out then great but I'm not counting on it.
~Cait

Sept20, 2012

Hey sorry it's been a while, it's been a hectic couple of weeks. I know my last couple of posts were kind of downers and I apologize, but that's why I created this blog. I'm not great at expressing myself in person, so I got this to write down how I'm feeling, especially when I am not able to just tell someone how I am feeling. However, I also got it to tell about the good times, I've always been bad at keeping diaries or journals but I want something I can look back on in the future. This blog isn't written to make anyone feel bad for me on the crappy days or make people jealous on the awesome days. I didn't start it hoping that a ton of people would read it. I write it simply for me and so that if there's even one person reading this, then at least one person will know how I feel about everything...

This last week has been one of the worst and best all at the same time. I'm not going to go into a ton of details because well honestly, it's 1 am and I have to get up in 6 hours and because some of the details I wouldn't mind forgetting. Last Monday my best friend's older brother passed away, he had ALS which is another type of MD. He didn't know he had it until last year, but it progressed extremely fast. I didn't know him well, I never actually met him in person, but I interviewed him for a class one time and he was talked of often by his brother. I was extremely upset by his passing to say the least. The next day another close friend of mine had a death in the family, her uncle. I did know him at all, I don't even know his name, but it still hurt me that she was having to go through this, that they both were. Wednesday I had a meltdown. It was about Bethany again, and just death in general. It was pretty bad. I think it finally just sank in. You know the different stages of grief? Well I went through the denial stage, I didn't believe she was really gone, then the anger stage, I couldn't believe this actually happened and didn't understand why it did, then was the bargaining stage, all I could think was I'd do anything just to see her one last time. I think the depression stage hit me on Wednesday. It was quite possibly the worst pain I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Since then I just feel like there's this emptiness inside of me, like no matter what I do I still feel sad and alone, like it's not going to get any easier. But it will. The final stage is acceptance. I know it's going to take a while but I'm hoping I make it to this stage somewhat soon.

Muscular Dystrophy has taken many lives this year, and I can't help but think...who's next? I'm honestly terrified of who it's going to take next. I talked to my dad about this a couple months ago and when I mentioned this he asked if I was scared it was going to be me. I'm not. I'm not scared that it could be me that is next. I'm honestly just scared it could be one of my friends. I honestly don't know if I could handle losing another person any time soon.

But on to happier things. Friday Natalie and Leah came to spend the night. We had so much fun! We went to eat at Qdoba then came back to make cookies, then we went out Cleo's (a bar in the village). Allen and Sifat joined us. It was just what I needed. The next day we went to IHOP and the mall, and then just came back and watched Crazy Stupid Love. I had so much fun and am so glad they decided to come visit.

Saturday held way too much drama and some stuff went down with a different group of people, but I'm not going to talk about that because it's over with and everyone's fine now so I just want to move on...

Monday my mom and Macy came up to visit. We went to Red Lobster and it was probably the greatest meal of my life. They had the endless shrimp deal going on so I got shrimp alfredo and garlic shrimp scampi, both were fantastically wonderful, as well as a strawberry pina colada. It was amazing and it was great seeing them.

Other than that everything has been pretty normal. Classes, homework, meetings, One Tree Hill, and round table pretty much consume my life right now, but I love it. Well, maybe not the homework or classes but everything else is great. I have great friends and we're having a great time. I will explain round table and my new One Tree Hill obsession at a later time, I'm going to sleep. Night <3

~Cait :)

Sept6, 2012

Have I ever mentioned some of the things I was considering doing with my life? Like what I want to do or be "when I grow up"? Well let me just tell you I have multiple things and I still am not sure what I want to do. As of right now I am going for Fashion Merchandising, I switched from Apparel Design. I had to switch because the sewing classes were getting to be too exhausting. I would love to work for a famous designer or fashion magazine and work my way up to having my own line, it's just going to be hard to do so when I'm limited in what I can physically do. However, I've always loved music and that's my true passion but I don't know what I would do with that. The ultimate dream would be singing either on Broadway or in a band but let's be honest, how many people have you ever seen in a wheelchair on Broadway? Plus I'm not exactly a good singer, I think I could be better with practice but at this point it's not happening. So singing is kind of out of the question even though it's my favorite thing to do. I've also considered teaching but I want to teach younger kids and I just don't think I'd be able to do it. What if I have a wild kid who tries doing something and I need to grab them to stop them? I wouldn't be able to. I've also considered doing something in astronomy. I love astronomy and I'm good at math. You know those movies where it shows a bunch of people working for NASA? I think that'd be cool, to be a part of historic events like sending people to space. I could physically do this job but I'm not like super smart and it'd be hard to actually get a job like that. Plus I'm afraid I'd get bored after a while with that if nothing exciting is going on. I've also, more than anything, always wanted to do something to help people or the world. I can't be a doctor because I can't deal with bodily fluids or with people dying. I want to be involved with WWF, the World Wildlife Fund, but I can help with this no matter what I end up doing, I just don't know if I want to work for them or just help them while doing something. And finally, what I want to do more than anything...is be a lawyer for the military. I've always wanted to be a lawyer but about ten years ago I decided I wanted to be one for the military. Since I can't physically fight for this country I want to fight for those who do. Freshman year I decided that's what I really want to do, so I emailed the army website, to the recruiters, asking if I'd be able do this while being physically disabled. I was told no, and that basically I couldn't do anything for or with them because I can't do basic training. This really upset me and to this day still does. It makes me sad that I want to help them so much and defend them but I can't because I can't do push ups, etc..

I don't mean to make anyone upset by this or make anyone feel bad for me. That's not at all what I intended. I just simply needed to vent about this. It really gets to me sometimes because the couple of things I really want to do I can't physically do. I try not to be down about my disease but once in a while it just really upsets me. Today is one of those days. If you have any suggestions on what I should do with my life please let me know, because as of right now I don't really have a plan and I'm getting pretty nervous about going out into the real world without having a clue as to what I really want to do.
~Cait

Sept3, 2012

You know those days where you just don't feel good enough? Well I'm having one of those days. As some of you know I have bad self esteem and confidence problems. I often have difficulty accepting myself the way I am. It gets better and worse just depending on the day and what goes on. What brought this up was a couple of things. Every time I hear guys talk about how "hot" a girl is it makes me upset. It's always about the obviously gorgeous girls who are skinny, have perfect hair, etc. It's not like I'm sad because I like the guys saying these things, it's just that I'm jealous? I guess that's the word I am going to use. It just makes me feel awful, like I'm not any of those things. I've never been told I'm beautiful or anything of the sort from a guy, and to my knowledge no one has ever liked me. I guess what I'm saying is it would be nice to be the one that guys like for once. The other thing was me and a couple of friends were talking about guys we like and they kept saying how guys were dumb but the whole time I was thinking about the guy I like and it made me sad because I don't think he'd ever feel the same, I don't think I'd ever be good enough for him. I know I don't know till I try but I think if I try it would make it weird for more than just the two of us. I can't really go into detail because I don't know who all reads this and I don't want them to find out. Not right now at least...

~Cait