Oct29, 2012

Hey guys, it's like 1:20 am and technically the 30th right now but whenever I post stuff it says it's like 6 hours earlier than it actually is but I don't know how to change that so I'm just going with it I guess. Anyway, I made the mistake of drinking some Mountain Dew and now I can't sleep, plus I have a lot on my mind, so here I am. I apologize ahead of time for this post being a bit of a downer but I need to talk about a couple of things.

First, as some of you know I have a lot of self confidence issues. If you've read my past posts, especially from early 2011, you know that this problem can get really bad. I've been having some of these problems again the last few weeks. My biggest insecurity is my weight. Being in a wheelchair, unable to really move a whole lot, really makes it difficult to keep my weight down and nearly impossible to lose weight. But I've managed to lose almost 50 pounds in the last few years, maybe more now, I'm never really sure how much I weigh until I am in the hospital. This may not seem like a whole lot but think about it, for someone who doesn't move and doesn't eat real healthy food, it kind of is a lot. I have a problem eating. I am aware of it but I don't know what to do about it. I barely eat, if I eat at all, and when I do I feel disgusting... I know this is bad. I know I need to stop. It was brought to my attention today that I may have an eating disorder. I've told only a couple of people about these problems but until today I had never heard those words. Don't get me wrong, I've heard them multiple times, but never about me. I've seen movies and shows about people with eating disorders but never thought that they had any connection to me. Maybe I was wrong... I don't know. I do know I have a problem though, and I guess the first step is always admitting that. I just need to figure out what to do next.

Second, this guy I like...We hung out recently and I thought maybe I would realize I didn't really like him as much as I thought. I was wrong. Very wrong. It only stirred up those feelings and made me remember all the reasons why I like him. I don't know what to about it. One friend said I either need to just tell him or move on and stop torturing myself. I told another friend that someone had said that and also said I should tell him. I just don't think he would feel the same and I don't want things to be awkward. I'm just really scared honestly. I've never felt this way before and it really scares the hell out of me. I just don't know what to do...

The rest can wait for another time, it's now 1:40, and I have to get up in a little over 5 hours so I'm going to attempt to sleep. Thanks for listening to my rants. I didn't write this for people to feel sorry for me or anything, I just needed to get it out there. If you have any advice or words of encouragement though, please share. Thanks!
~Cait

My song for the day is Theme From New York, New York by Frank Sinatra. I just love him and this song is great. Go listen to it if you haven't heard it. "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere, it's up to you New York, New York!" :)

Oct25, 2012

Hey guys! It's been a while since I last wrote, and so much has happened since then! Okay, lies not much has really happened haha.

Well there was Homecoming week for starters. I went to Air Jam, which is a lip sync/dance competition that is held every year. I had never been before this year, and it was a blast! I don't know why I had never gone before. At the end, they name Homecoming King and Queen and there court. Donelle made it in to the court!! Which means she was in the top 5! It was very exciting! Then it was Homecoming weekend. I had been waiting for that weekend for a long time and let me tell you it was worth the wait. We had so much fun! Matt, Bri and I had started a tradition of going to Puerto's every Friday night, so that Friday was no different other than a bigger group went. Then on Saturday Bri, Belle, Matt, Christian and I went to Cleo's for Breakfast Club, and then over to The Cup to actually get breakfast. We then met up with Donelle's mom, grandparents and Chaneigh to watch the parade. We then went over to Matt's for a few and then met up with everyone in the tailgating parking lot. We had a lot of fun, or at least I did. It was great seeing everyone and having people come up, like Natalie, Jc, his friend, Leah, Christian, Elizabeth and Joe. The rest of the day we just kind of chilled and 'recovered' hahaha. That was pretty much it, nothing to exciting, but it was fun.

This past weekend was Fall Break, and I actually had a five day weekend! I didn't do a whole lot. I relaxed a lot, it was wonderful! Saturday Round Table ordered pizza and watched a movie, and then I went and watched Hocus Pocus with Donelle, Tyler and Ashley. Donelle was on duty and doing rounds almost the whole time I was there though. Tyler, Ashley and I had a lot of fun though, and then on Sunday the three of us went to Red Lobster and ate a ridiculous amount of shrimp. It was so fantastic! That's pretty much the excitement of my Fall Break though. I mainly chilled in my room, napped, painted and watched a LOT of One Tree Hill...

And now it's almost the weekend again! But I think I am getting sick :( I have felt like crap all day. Hopefully I feel better soon though. Other than that there's really nothing else to tell. Oh, other than my screen on my phone shattering! Hahaha yeah... it still works though, for now. It was a joint effort of Matt and I. Kind of a long story, not really, just not important. I think I am due for an upgrade though so I can probably get a new one soon. Ok now I'm done, nothing left.
~Cait:)

PS every time I blog now I am going to put what song I am obsessed with for the day. Today it is Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin. I forgot about it for a long time and then I heard it on One Tree Hill and the other day I came across it on Spotify so I've been listening to it like crazy :)

Oct5, 2012

Hello there. Monday night was the Homecoming fashion show, it was a lot of fun. Donelle made it into the top 10!! I'm so happy for her, it's really exciting. I know a few others who made it as well, so it was really awesome. However, as happy as I was/am for them, I really felt down that day. I've talked about some of my depression problems before as well as my eating habits. I had been doing better with the whole eating thing but recently I've been having difficulties again. Last weekend I barely ate anything and the rest of the week has been pretty much the same. Eating makes me feel disgusting. I was feeling really down that night and honestly nothing was making me feel better. I went out to round table so that I wouldn't have to be alone. Oh I never said what round table was, it's basically a bunch of friends and I just sitting around talking, usually for hours on end. I wasn't counting on it making me feel better but I knew I shouldn't be by myself, I've done some stupid things in my life while feeling like that. I went out there and just sat, kind of observing everything, not really talking. One of my friends asked me if I was ok though, and just those three words made a world of difference. When I start feeling like that it usually comes with the feeling that no one cares. I know it isn't true but that's how I feel. When he asked me if I was ok I almost broke down but didn't. He kept asking me because he could tell I was lying about being fine. And then he just got up and came over to give me a hug. It helped more than I can say. By the end of the night I felt much better. This guy and I have known each other for a couple years now but we weren't really close until this semester. I can't believe how close we've become so quickly. I honestly consider him one of my best friend now. We have so much in common and I know that I could trust him with anything. So if you're reading this, you know who you are, thank you. I hope you know how much of a difference you made that night, and I'm so grateful that I have you in my life. You have blogged about feeling like a bad friend recently, but you should know you're not, or not intentionally. I don't think you ever could be, maybe I'm wrong but I usually have pretty good intuition about people and you're a good person. So don't take what that one person said to heart. I know they're your best friend but it's not like you chose to grow apart. I'm kind of just babbling now and I'm sorry for that, I just hope you know that at least I think you're a great friend and I'm so glad that we're closer than ever now. Thanks for helping me and always being there for me.

~Cait :)

Oct1, 2012

Okay, I know I just blogged a little while ago but I'm doing another one. I'm kind of bored and realized I haven't done a list of favorites in a while. Plus I never explained my new obsession with One Tree Hill like I said I would. So I'm going to do that and then list my favorite shows, fitting right?

A couple of weeks ago I was watching OTH with my friends Ashley and Brandon. They started at the beginning and are watching them all in order. Well, I decided one day to watch it with them but they were on season 5 so I really had no clue what was going on. I then decided to start from the beginning myself and watch them all. I got addicted and cannot stop watching it. I have been watching it for I think three weeks now and am about halfway through season 5! They have been watching it for months now, but they only watch maybe a couple episodes a week if that. Needless to say, I have a problem.

On to my list. I'm actually going to make two lists. One of my top five favorite current shows, and the other of my top five I could watch over and over favorite shows. OTH is my favorite right now but just because it's my newest obsession, so it will not be in these list.

Top 5 Favorite Current Shows:
5. Project Runway

4. Glee

3. Grey's Anatomy

2. Vampire Diaries

1. Pretty Little Liars

Top 5 I Could Watch Over And Over Favorite Shows:
5. Psych

4. The Nanny

3. Friends

2. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

1. Boy Meets World


~Cait :)