Oct29, 2012

Hey guys, it's like 1:20 am and technically the 30th right now but whenever I post stuff it says it's like 6 hours earlier than it actually is but I don't know how to change that so I'm just going with it I guess. Anyway, I made the mistake of drinking some Mountain Dew and now I can't sleep, plus I have a lot on my mind, so here I am. I apologize ahead of time for this post being a bit of a downer but I need to talk about a couple of things.

First, as some of you know I have a lot of self confidence issues. If you've read my past posts, especially from early 2011, you know that this problem can get really bad. I've been having some of these problems again the last few weeks. My biggest insecurity is my weight. Being in a wheelchair, unable to really move a whole lot, really makes it difficult to keep my weight down and nearly impossible to lose weight. But I've managed to lose almost 50 pounds in the last few years, maybe more now, I'm never really sure how much I weigh until I am in the hospital. This may not seem like a whole lot but think about it, for someone who doesn't move and doesn't eat real healthy food, it kind of is a lot. I have a problem eating. I am aware of it but I don't know what to do about it. I barely eat, if I eat at all, and when I do I feel disgusting... I know this is bad. I know I need to stop. It was brought to my attention today that I may have an eating disorder. I've told only a couple of people about these problems but until today I had never heard those words. Don't get me wrong, I've heard them multiple times, but never about me. I've seen movies and shows about people with eating disorders but never thought that they had any connection to me. Maybe I was wrong... I don't know. I do know I have a problem though, and I guess the first step is always admitting that. I just need to figure out what to do next.

Second, this guy I like...We hung out recently and I thought maybe I would realize I didn't really like him as much as I thought. I was wrong. Very wrong. It only stirred up those feelings and made me remember all the reasons why I like him. I don't know what to about it. One friend said I either need to just tell him or move on and stop torturing myself. I told another friend that someone had said that and also said I should tell him. I just don't think he would feel the same and I don't want things to be awkward. I'm just really scared honestly. I've never felt this way before and it really scares the hell out of me. I just don't know what to do...

The rest can wait for another time, it's now 1:40, and I have to get up in a little over 5 hours so I'm going to attempt to sleep. Thanks for listening to my rants. I didn't write this for people to feel sorry for me or anything, I just needed to get it out there. If you have any advice or words of encouragement though, please share. Thanks!
~Cait

My song for the day is Theme From New York, New York by Frank Sinatra. I just love him and this song is great. Go listen to it if you haven't heard it. "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere, it's up to you New York, New York!" :)