Nov1, 2012

1 year, 6 months, 17 days...

This is how long I made it. I have recently talked about my eating problems, which haven't gotten much better, but I left out a big part of my problems. Yes, I suffer from depression. Yes, I may have an eating disorder. I am not comfortable talking about these, but I would talk about them all day if I didn't have to mention the next thing. I know what you're thinking, why put it here for the world to see if I am uncomfortable talking about it? Well, I have talked about it on here before, a little over a year and a half ago, but it is relevant in my life right now and need to again. I am writing this, not to get sympathy, but so that I can express myself. It is much easier to write than to talk and to say it out loud. I am hoping that by having it on here maybe I can look back on this post the next time, and maybe it won't happen.

I used to cut myself. Simple as that. There's no smoother way of saying it, that I can think of so there you go. I have been in a dark place for the last few months. I'm not going to lie, a lot of it is because of Bethany dying. I am so lost without her. Not only do I miss her more than I can express but I also feel a great deal of guilt. Guilt that I didn't talk to her as often as used to. Guilt that the last text she sent me was in April saying how she was getting worse. Guilt that I didn't text her back after that. Guilt that I hadn't seen her in over a year. Guilt that I never got around to sending her her Christmas or birthday presents. Guilt that all she wanted, all she ever asked me, was for me to visit her. I can't take any of this back. I can't say sorry. I have no excuses for these things. I kept telling her I was busy, that was my excuse. Never be too busy for your friends...you never know how much time you get with them.

So all this had been building up, until now I had never said any of this. On top of that I am having eating problems again, as well as just general depression. Yesterday I had had enough. I'm not going to go into details because honestly I want to forget about it. Basically, Matt and I got into an argument. I am a very stubborn person so for me to say this...I caused it. He had said something and basically I just reacted wrong and blew up and then we just kept going at it. I am not saying in anyway what so ever that he caused me to do this. He absolutely did not. He is my best friend, and does so much for me. I would be completely lost without him. We met two years ago, when Bethany started getting bad. I honestly believe he was brought into my life at that point, not to replace her because no one could ever do that, but so that I would have someone when she left. He is the reason I had stopped cutting, April 14, 2011. I promised him I'd stop because I had never seen someone look hurt like that. I didn't realize it effected others when I did this. I did it because I was mad at myself. I was mad I had, not only started this fight, but also because I had snapped at him at least two other times in the last week. He doesn't deserve that. I felt like I was ruining our friendship, and I realized this as I was doing it but couldn't stop. I had already lost one best friend, I couldn't lose another...I was upset because I had let things build up again when I had been doing so good. I was upset because I had let my eating problems get out of control again. This is why I did it. I was in a dark place.

Matt came over, right after. He saw my wrist and just hugged me. I sat here crying for a good long while. He kept saying sorry. I tried telling him it wasn't his fault but I couldn't explain it right. Which is another reason I wanted to write this, to apologize and hopefully show why I did what I did. We made up obviously. Seriously I think our fights could win records for how short they last. We can't stay made, it's just not possible.

I feel a little better now but I know it's not going to just go away. I am thinking about going to the Counseling Center. I just want to stop feeling like this all the time. I feel so lonely even when surrounded by people. I feel like something is missing in me, and I need to fix it. So this is a new day. Day one. Me starting over. I'm not promising someone that I won't do it again, other than me. I'm not doing for anyone else. I'm promising for myself. I need to stop this for me. So here I go. I will not let the darkness defeat me again. I WILL get through this!
~Caitlin

Song for the day is Little Things by One Direction. It is their new song that came out this week. It's so good and really just goes with my mood. Go give it a listen :)