April12, 2011

Wow...I take back what I was feeling yesterday. I could never be mad at him. If I tell this story, it will no longer be a secret, not that it is much of one anyway. Oh well, I'm kind of to the point where I don't care who knows anymore, and I need to get this out there so I feel better. So here we go... I have a serious self-esteem problem and yesterday was really bad. Some days are just worse than others. I was feeling bad about myself. I don't like how I look at all. I think I am fat, ugly, and often feel alone even when surrounded by friends. It really upsets me when I hear guys talk about how pretty or hot a girl is. Sunday I had to sit and listen to two of my friends talk about hot girls they saw where we were, one of them was who I like. It was really hard to listen to but I tried to act like nothing was wrong. He saw right through me though but I didn't tell him what was really bothering me. Yesterday I had to listen to a very similar conversation. I then went to my room and cried to the point that I began cutting my wrist...I don't do it hard or deep enough to do anything serious and I wasn't suicidal, but I do this once in a while to feel relief.  I know this is wrong and I don't do it very often anymore. This is the second time this semester. But after I calmed down I went to my friend Donelle's room to talk to her about it but my friends Tyler and Chad were in there and I saw that she was crying. So I instantly knew that that wasn't the time to be talking about my problems. I tried to comfort her the best way I could and eventually she calmed down and they started doing homework. I went to talk to some of my other friends down the hall when Matt saw my wrist. For the first time I actually believe he was mad at me. I was so upset that he was upset. We went to Donelle's room and he told her and Tyler. I talked to them for a few but didn't tell them why. We had to leave for a little while and a few hours later it ended being me, Donelle and Tyler. Tyler started by asking us how our days were and I told him not very well. We talked for a while and he really made me feel better. While Donelle and Matt were yelling at me and being mad at me, he was the complete opposite. He comforted me, hugged me and talked to me. This is all I needed. He made me feel better when nobody else could. If you are reading this, thank you. You have no idea what that means to me. He also gave me a movie to watch called To Save A Life. It was very good and made me realize that I'm not alone and that people do care. It showed the other people's views and I never realized how much it hurts others when I do these things or feel this way. I will forever be grateful for what he did for me. It was very eye opening and I promised not to do it again. And I'm going to try very hard to keep that promise. Today is a new day and I feel happy and different. I love my friends and am so glad I have them in my life.
~Cait :)