April30, 2013

Hello there. I haven't written in a while, I know. I've been busy, yet nothing big has really happened. The past 3 weekends have been incredible. I've been able to see my closest friends and have had a really good time. However, I'm having a really rough time right now.

I'm getting better at hiding how I feel. I've been putting up walls like I used to, hiding my pain. It's really complicated. I'm happier than I've ever been but at the same time I am depressed because I know it is all ending soon.

It's my fourth year here and I am changing my major. I am very excited for this change and to be able to kind of start over. It's been a rough couple of years. I lack motivation and have been doing poorly in my classes. I was supposed to do better this semester... I'm doing worse than I ever have. I keep lying to people saying I'm doing fine but the truth is I'm not. I'm doing awful. I have had zero motivation to try at all this semester, I barely went to class, all I want to do is sleep, and then when I do finally get motivated I can't focus at all. My motivation and focus have gotten so bad. I think I am going to talk to my doctor over the summer to see if there is anything I can do to fix this. Maybe it's time to face the fact that I need help.

This isn't what's depressing though. I am having a really rough time with all of my friends graduating. I'm happy for them and so proud of all they have done and will do, but I'm going to miss them so much. It's going to be rough. Belle, Allen, Sifat, Donelle, Ethan, Bri, Tyler, Ashley, and Mike are all graduating. That's a lot of my friends, and so many of my closest ones. Some of them I have really gotten close to this year and I can't believe our time is almost over. And then Shannon and Chaneigh are graduating this summer, so there's two more. And then Matt is in December, which I can't even think about right now. I can't think about my best friend leaving... They're all moving on to bigger and better things. I have no doubt that they will each be successful in whatever they are doing. I'm so glad they have some of these opportunities. Whether it's going to grad school, teaching in New Mexico, working at Disney, studying in Africa, or simply just going out into the world and working, they will do great things. But I will miss them like crazy.

I'm trying not to show how sad I am. I want to show that I am supportive. It's hard though. Graduation is in just four short days. I wish I could spend the rest of the week with them, having a great time, forgetting that I may never see some of them again after this week. But on top of being crazy busy with finals and stuff, I've grown apart from some of them. I wish I could fix it but I'm not sure what went wrong.

I guess we'll just have to see how things go. It's going to be an emotional week, that's for sure. I'm going to miss everyone terribly, but am happy for them. I can't wait to see what all they do. I just hope we keep in touch. I'll write again soon, I'm going home Saturday so I will be able to write more often. So until then....

~Caitlin