Hello, sorry it's been a while since I last wrote, it's been a crazy month. I've decided to switch my major but I'm not sure what to. I'm leaning toward something in math or science. I'm decent at these. I'm good at math, I like it because it's always the same, there's a specific answer and way to do things, it's not opinion based, I can't be judged based on my answer, it's either right or wrong. I like science because it takes these qualities but you can expand on it. Things are definite but at the same time there's so much unknown.
What brought this up was a dream I had while taking a nap earlier. In the dream I was asked what my dream job was. I named off a few different things, they weren't new, they were things I always thought about and considered. The answers weren't what the dream was based on, however I wish I would've said one definite 'job'. What the dream was about was what I said after.
I have friends who don't believe in love, friends who don't believe in marriage, friends who fall too easily, friends who don't really know what they want, and friends who do. And then there's me. I've only really liked 3 guys. Sure, I've had a bunch of little crushes but these were different. I've seen love bring together people unexpectedly and I've seen love tear people apart. I guess it goes without saying that I do believe in love. As much as I'm told it doesn't exist in today's world, I disagree. Have I ever been in love? I don't think so, but I still believe in it.
In my dream, after I talked about my dream jobs, the person asked what is that I truly want. My answer was to be loved and cared about. I said that "it wouldn't matter what job I had, I could be working in a cubicle everyday but if I had that one person in my life that really loved me then I would be happy". This may seem insignificant to most but I think it told me a lot about myself. I don't really like that this was my answer, especially considering who I was talking to in my dream. I don't want to be that person who's happiness is based on whether someone loves me or not.
The more I got to thinking about this though, the more I realized that's not what I meant. I want to chase my dreams, I want to be happy with whatever I choose to go into, but I think I'll be happy with whatever that is. I also think that I meant that I do want to fall in love, I want to feel wanted, and that love is a very powerful thing, whether you believe in it or not. You can't deny that people care deeply for others. I also thought this was an interesting statement because of my inability to tell people I love them. I can tell my family, but it wasn't until last year that I could say it to friends, and I can still only say it to a couple of them.
I don't really know what the point of this blog was, I guess just to talk about how I feel. I've never really expressed my opinion on the subject of love. This all may mean nothing but to me it does. It seemed very important in my dream, almost relieving to say it. I don't know why. Who knows, maybe in the future I'll look back on this and understand more. Until then...
~Caitlin :)
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