Feb25, 2013

To eat or not to eat? Why is that always the question?

This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week as well as Self-Injury/Suicide Awareness Week. Great, so let's focus on my two of my biggest problems in the same week...

I haven't cut in almost 4 months and before that it had been a year and a half. I think I'm doing very well with that and am proud of myself. I do not believe I have an eating disorder. However, I am very aware that I have an eating problem. I've talked about it before so I'm not going to go into detail.

This week is making me aware of these issues though. Especially the eating problem. It's making me very self-conscious about what I eat to the point where I'm almost scared to eat with my friends out in dining or wherever. I don't want to draw attention to myself and I feel like since all these events are going on this week it'll be easier to notice it, if that makes sense... I don't know how to explain it. I'm not very good at expressing myself especially through writing. I guess I just don't want people to think I have an eating disorder because I don't. I'm working on it but it takes time. I can't just go from barely eating to eating a normal amount in one day. It's going to take time. So I hope you all are patient with me and supportive as I work through this on my own.

As for the self injury thing, I've done it once in almost two years and I regretted it instantly. It was stupid and I realized that. I've thought about it a couple times but with the help of some amazing friends I've gotten past those feelings.

I'm currently happier than I've ever been. I am not sure what really changed but I'm glad it did. It's been like this for a few weeks now. I didn't want to say anything because the last time I felt like this, as soon as I said something about it something happened to make me feel like crap again. Not this time. I won't let it happen again. Sure, some days are bad but I'm sick of it being everyday so I'm just not going to let it! I'll keep you updated but for now I'm happy, I'm working on some of those problems, and I'm so grateful to have the support from the best group of friends in the world!

~Caitlin :)