To eat or not to eat? Why is that always the question?
This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week as well as Self-Injury/Suicide Awareness Week. Great, so let's focus on my two of my biggest problems in the same week...
I haven't cut in almost 4 months and before that it had been a year and a half. I think I'm doing very well with that and am proud of myself. I do not believe I have an eating disorder. However, I am very aware that I have an eating problem. I've talked about it before so I'm not going to go into detail.
This week is making me aware of these issues though. Especially the eating problem. It's making me very self-conscious about what I eat to the point where I'm almost scared to eat with my friends out in dining or wherever. I don't want to draw attention to myself and I feel like since all these events are going on this week it'll be easier to notice it, if that makes sense... I don't know how to explain it. I'm not very good at expressing myself especially through writing. I guess I just don't want people to think I have an eating disorder because I don't. I'm working on it but it takes time. I can't just go from barely eating to eating a normal amount in one day. It's going to take time. So I hope you all are patient with me and supportive as I work through this on my own.
As for the self injury thing, I've done it once in almost two years and I regretted it instantly. It was stupid and I realized that. I've thought about it a couple times but with the help of some amazing friends I've gotten past those feelings.
I'm currently happier than I've ever been. I am not sure what really changed but I'm glad it did. It's been like this for a few weeks now. I didn't want to say anything because the last time I felt like this, as soon as I said something about it something happened to make me feel like crap again. Not this time. I won't let it happen again. Sure, some days are bad but I'm sick of it being everyday so I'm just not going to let it! I'll keep you updated but for now I'm happy, I'm working on some of those problems, and I'm so grateful to have the support from the best group of friends in the world!
~Caitlin :)
Monday, February 25, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Feb10, 2013
As I'm getting older my friends are graduating from college. I should be but with not doing so well and changing my major I am a little behind. I don't have a problem staying here longer, I love it here. However, it's hard with all my friends graduating. It was really hard with Natalie graduating, and then Laura, Daniel, and Nick. But I still see or talk to at least Natalie and Nick quite a bit. This year is going to be extremely difficult though. So many of my close friends are leaving, some that I've been friends with for years and some that I've just started getting closer with in the last year or so. These are the people I'm going to talk about in this post.
Donelle, Donnie, Don Don, etc. We met my freshman year and started talking one day because we were wearing the same Paramore shirt from the same concert. This started our friendship. We discovered we were at the same concert and that you could actually see me in the back of one your pictures sitting behind you a bit. We bonded over music and this brought us together. It wasn't until the following year that we really started hanging out though. I have so many great memories with you and am going to miss you so much!
Ashley. We didn't really start hanging out until last year but we didn't officially ever make plans with each other until this year, and now we eat lunch together almost every day. I'm so glad that I got to know you and that we've become closer friends. Whenever I'm upset and tweet about it or anything negative you are always one of the first and few to text me, either asking me if I am okay or simply telling me to smile. I am so grateful that you are always there for me. I'm going to miss you!
Shannon. I always remember meeting you and Brandon in Tyler's room, everyone being awkward and not talking to each other. I'm so glad that changed. I'll always remember sitting out at the desk, ordering too much pizza, painting nails, and watching countless movies with you, and don't forget failing at making everyone ornaments. I'm glad we became such good friends and I'm really going to miss you!
ALLEN! I am going to miss yelling at you every time I see you. I can't believe you're graduating. I've lived next to you since I was a freshman and I really can't imagine you not being here. I don't want someone taking your room next to me. We haven't hung out as much this year as we used to but when we do it's like nothing has changed, like we never stopped hanging out. I'm going to miss you!
Belle. SWU! I've been friends with you the longest, which is why this is so hard to write. I can't believe we met almost 7 years ago. We didn't become friends right away, we did the next year, and it really helped knowing someone when coming here. I feel like I've known you forever and I really can't believe you're leaving. I have so many great memories with you, not just from school but from camp as well. I'll always remember seeing you at Target that first summer I met you, right after camp. I didn't go say hi though because I didn't know if you knew who I was. I hope we continue to be such great friends, I'm going to miss you!
Michael Mike. I'm so glad to have gotten know you better in the last year. I'm so thankful for all you do for me whether it was coming to plug my chair in or push me every time it died last semester, picking up my phone for me constantly, or spraying my wheels when they start getting obnoxiously loud. I love all your random facts that you always have for us all the time and watching movies in your room. I'm going to miss you!
Briiiiiiiiiiiii Cheeeeese. I guess I'll start with the fact that I can't believe we've lived in the same town our whole lives, lived in the same neighborhood and hung out at the same pool for years but didn't become friends until sophmore year here. I'm very glad that we finally did though! You're such a wonderful person. I love going out to the bars with you and of course Puerto's Fridays, even though those don't happen anymore, hopefully they will again soon. I'm really going to miss you!
Ethan. I know we haven't been friends for very long but I felt like I needed to include you in this too. I've known you for a while, because of Abso, but you had no idea who I was. I remember the first time we actually hung out you introduced yourself and I almost said I know when you said your name, but I didn't want to sound like a creeper. I'm glad we became friends, but I wish it would've happened sooner! You crack me up and I love tweeting #shitEthansays, and of course our poking wars until 1-2 in the morning every night. I'm going to miss you!
Tyler. I don't even know where to start with you. We've been friends for over two years now, but I feel like this year we've become even better, closer friends. We've had our share of ups and downs but overall the good definitely outweighs the bad. You've been there for me through so much and I'm so grateful for not only that but also for you constantly inspiring me and pushing me to try harder and to be all that I can. We've had some amazing times together and I hope that we continue to be friends after you graduate. I'm going to miss you!
I'm so grateful for all the good times I've been able to share with each of you. You've impacted my life in one way or another, probably more than you realize. I'm proud of each of you and am happy for you for graduating, I have no doubt that you'll each do very well in whatever you decide to do. I hope that even as you guys leave we stay friends. You've all become some of the best friends I've ever had and I'm really going to miss you!!
~Cait :)
Donelle, Donnie, Don Don, etc. We met my freshman year and started talking one day because we were wearing the same Paramore shirt from the same concert. This started our friendship. We discovered we were at the same concert and that you could actually see me in the back of one your pictures sitting behind you a bit. We bonded over music and this brought us together. It wasn't until the following year that we really started hanging out though. I have so many great memories with you and am going to miss you so much!
Ashley. We didn't really start hanging out until last year but we didn't officially ever make plans with each other until this year, and now we eat lunch together almost every day. I'm so glad that I got to know you and that we've become closer friends. Whenever I'm upset and tweet about it or anything negative you are always one of the first and few to text me, either asking me if I am okay or simply telling me to smile. I am so grateful that you are always there for me. I'm going to miss you!
Shannon. I always remember meeting you and Brandon in Tyler's room, everyone being awkward and not talking to each other. I'm so glad that changed. I'll always remember sitting out at the desk, ordering too much pizza, painting nails, and watching countless movies with you, and don't forget failing at making everyone ornaments. I'm glad we became such good friends and I'm really going to miss you!
ALLEN! I am going to miss yelling at you every time I see you. I can't believe you're graduating. I've lived next to you since I was a freshman and I really can't imagine you not being here. I don't want someone taking your room next to me. We haven't hung out as much this year as we used to but when we do it's like nothing has changed, like we never stopped hanging out. I'm going to miss you!
Belle. SWU! I've been friends with you the longest, which is why this is so hard to write. I can't believe we met almost 7 years ago. We didn't become friends right away, we did the next year, and it really helped knowing someone when coming here. I feel like I've known you forever and I really can't believe you're leaving. I have so many great memories with you, not just from school but from camp as well. I'll always remember seeing you at Target that first summer I met you, right after camp. I didn't go say hi though because I didn't know if you knew who I was. I hope we continue to be such great friends, I'm going to miss you!
Michael Mike. I'm so glad to have gotten know you better in the last year. I'm so thankful for all you do for me whether it was coming to plug my chair in or push me every time it died last semester, picking up my phone for me constantly, or spraying my wheels when they start getting obnoxiously loud. I love all your random facts that you always have for us all the time and watching movies in your room. I'm going to miss you!
Briiiiiiiiiiiii Cheeeeese. I guess I'll start with the fact that I can't believe we've lived in the same town our whole lives, lived in the same neighborhood and hung out at the same pool for years but didn't become friends until sophmore year here. I'm very glad that we finally did though! You're such a wonderful person. I love going out to the bars with you and of course Puerto's Fridays, even though those don't happen anymore, hopefully they will again soon. I'm really going to miss you!
Ethan. I know we haven't been friends for very long but I felt like I needed to include you in this too. I've known you for a while, because of Abso, but you had no idea who I was. I remember the first time we actually hung out you introduced yourself and I almost said I know when you said your name, but I didn't want to sound like a creeper. I'm glad we became friends, but I wish it would've happened sooner! You crack me up and I love tweeting #shitEthansays, and of course our poking wars until 1-2 in the morning every night. I'm going to miss you!
Tyler. I don't even know where to start with you. We've been friends for over two years now, but I feel like this year we've become even better, closer friends. We've had our share of ups and downs but overall the good definitely outweighs the bad. You've been there for me through so much and I'm so grateful for not only that but also for you constantly inspiring me and pushing me to try harder and to be all that I can. We've had some amazing times together and I hope that we continue to be friends after you graduate. I'm going to miss you!
I'm so grateful for all the good times I've been able to share with each of you. You've impacted my life in one way or another, probably more than you realize. I'm proud of each of you and am happy for you for graduating, I have no doubt that you'll each do very well in whatever you decide to do. I hope that even as you guys leave we stay friends. You've all become some of the best friends I've ever had and I'm really going to miss you!!
~Cait :)
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Jan27, 2013
Hello, sorry it's been a while since I last wrote, it's been a crazy month. I've decided to switch my major but I'm not sure what to. I'm leaning toward something in math or science. I'm decent at these. I'm good at math, I like it because it's always the same, there's a specific answer and way to do things, it's not opinion based, I can't be judged based on my answer, it's either right or wrong. I like science because it takes these qualities but you can expand on it. Things are definite but at the same time there's so much unknown.
What brought this up was a dream I had while taking a nap earlier. In the dream I was asked what my dream job was. I named off a few different things, they weren't new, they were things I always thought about and considered. The answers weren't what the dream was based on, however I wish I would've said one definite 'job'. What the dream was about was what I said after.
I have friends who don't believe in love, friends who don't believe in marriage, friends who fall too easily, friends who don't really know what they want, and friends who do. And then there's me. I've only really liked 3 guys. Sure, I've had a bunch of little crushes but these were different. I've seen love bring together people unexpectedly and I've seen love tear people apart. I guess it goes without saying that I do believe in love. As much as I'm told it doesn't exist in today's world, I disagree. Have I ever been in love? I don't think so, but I still believe in it.
In my dream, after I talked about my dream jobs, the person asked what is that I truly want. My answer was to be loved and cared about. I said that "it wouldn't matter what job I had, I could be working in a cubicle everyday but if I had that one person in my life that really loved me then I would be happy". This may seem insignificant to most but I think it told me a lot about myself. I don't really like that this was my answer, especially considering who I was talking to in my dream. I don't want to be that person who's happiness is based on whether someone loves me or not.
The more I got to thinking about this though, the more I realized that's not what I meant. I want to chase my dreams, I want to be happy with whatever I choose to go into, but I think I'll be happy with whatever that is. I also think that I meant that I do want to fall in love, I want to feel wanted, and that love is a very powerful thing, whether you believe in it or not. You can't deny that people care deeply for others. I also thought this was an interesting statement because of my inability to tell people I love them. I can tell my family, but it wasn't until last year that I could say it to friends, and I can still only say it to a couple of them.
I don't really know what the point of this blog was, I guess just to talk about how I feel. I've never really expressed my opinion on the subject of love. This all may mean nothing but to me it does. It seemed very important in my dream, almost relieving to say it. I don't know why. Who knows, maybe in the future I'll look back on this and understand more. Until then...
~Caitlin :)
What brought this up was a dream I had while taking a nap earlier. In the dream I was asked what my dream job was. I named off a few different things, they weren't new, they were things I always thought about and considered. The answers weren't what the dream was based on, however I wish I would've said one definite 'job'. What the dream was about was what I said after.
I have friends who don't believe in love, friends who don't believe in marriage, friends who fall too easily, friends who don't really know what they want, and friends who do. And then there's me. I've only really liked 3 guys. Sure, I've had a bunch of little crushes but these were different. I've seen love bring together people unexpectedly and I've seen love tear people apart. I guess it goes without saying that I do believe in love. As much as I'm told it doesn't exist in today's world, I disagree. Have I ever been in love? I don't think so, but I still believe in it.
In my dream, after I talked about my dream jobs, the person asked what is that I truly want. My answer was to be loved and cared about. I said that "it wouldn't matter what job I had, I could be working in a cubicle everyday but if I had that one person in my life that really loved me then I would be happy". This may seem insignificant to most but I think it told me a lot about myself. I don't really like that this was my answer, especially considering who I was talking to in my dream. I don't want to be that person who's happiness is based on whether someone loves me or not.
The more I got to thinking about this though, the more I realized that's not what I meant. I want to chase my dreams, I want to be happy with whatever I choose to go into, but I think I'll be happy with whatever that is. I also think that I meant that I do want to fall in love, I want to feel wanted, and that love is a very powerful thing, whether you believe in it or not. You can't deny that people care deeply for others. I also thought this was an interesting statement because of my inability to tell people I love them. I can tell my family, but it wasn't until last year that I could say it to friends, and I can still only say it to a couple of them.
I don't really know what the point of this blog was, I guess just to talk about how I feel. I've never really expressed my opinion on the subject of love. This all may mean nothing but to me it does. It seemed very important in my dream, almost relieving to say it. I don't know why. Who knows, maybe in the future I'll look back on this and understand more. Until then...
~Caitlin :)
Monday, January 7, 2013
Jan7, 2013
I've never been afraid of my diseases. Sure I've been angry, depressed, and everything in between, but never scared. Not until recently. This post is kind of a downer and I'm sorry for that. In order to talk about why I am scared I am going to talk about my past. Most of you reading this don't know much about it, in fact most of my friends don't know about it. It's not that I don't want them to know about it, if they ask I will tell them, but it's not something I just bring up and start talking about.
When I was ten months old I was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. The doctors weren't really sure what type, they often said different things. It was finally decided that I have Spinal Muscular Atrophy, but there are four types of that and they never officially said which type I have. They were confused because I could sit up on my own once someone sat me up, I could hold up my head, move my arms completely "normally", and even roll over, but I could not use my legs at all. I could move them but I couldn't even crawl. As the years went by it got harder and harder to lift my arms up over my head to the point where I couldn't do it anymore, I can't roll over by myself anymore, well I can roll over to my back if I am on my side sometimes. I can still sit on my own once someone helps me up, I can still hold my head up, and I still can't use my legs.
When I was a baby I started getting sick. I had pneumonia more times than I can count and have more memories of being in the hospital as a child than being out. I honestly don't remember a whole lot of the sick part, I think I blocked most of that out. I have been on vents numerous times, and have been extremely sick. My parents were told I wouldn't live past two, then it was four. The only "bad" thing I remember from the hospital was how many times they would have to stick me with needles to try and get an IV started. I remember one time in particular being so bad my mom had to leave. I was very young, there were multiple people surrounding me all poking me with needles trying to get one started, I was crying of course and screaming. I remember screaming for my dad, who stayed in there, asking him to help me get them away from me. I was so confused on why he wasn't helping me. I'll never forget the look on his face, or the pain and trauma I went through that day.
As bad as that was though, I had some really good times in Riley Hospital. I basically grew up there, as I said I have more memories of being in there than out. I remember on Sunday evenings, when it was pretty empty, going down stairs with my dad to the main lobby. He would let me go up and down the glass elevators as much as I wanted, he would get a manual chair and we would race up and down the halls, we would go into this room where there were statues and stuff and play hide and seek, he would take me upstairs to see the giant doll houses. I remember always wanting to go to the little library they had and the play room with all the toys, even though I usually wasn't allowed to because they were afraid of me getting more sick from the other kids. They would always bring me games and coloring books though. The hospital is where I got my imagination and my creativity.
When I was four, I kept getting really bad. They weren't sure how much longer I was going to make it. That summer I got to "make a wish". I went to Disney World with my mom, dad, and Megan. It was amazing of course, and I do actually remember bits and pieces. We also visited my grandpa while down there and went on his sail boat, while docked, and I remember seeing dolphins. I remember it very much. The sun was starting to set, and the sky was kind of orange. I didn't see the whole dolphins, just their fins as they went back under water and they looked like they were shining. I thought they were mermaids. Now before you think I'm crazy remember I was four years old, had just spent days at Disney World, and The Little Mermaid was my favorite movie. But what was truly amazing about this trip was that I was actually healthy, and from then on I didn't get near as bad. Yeah I was still getting pneumonia quite a bit, but no more vents, no more staying in the hospital for a month or two at a time. It was to the point where my parents kind of knew how to prevent it or at least how to treat it so that it wouldn't get so bad. They both ended up going back to school to be respiratory therapist because of all this.
When I was seven I had my tonsils removed because I kept getting strep throat which would lead to a cold which would lead to pneumonia, or something like that. I then had surgery on my back. I had two medal rods placed in my back because of my scoliosis. That was the last time I was on a vent, and I was only on it because they were worried about putting me under for so long. I was only supposed to be in the hospital for a couple weeks, but toward the end of my recovery I got pneumonia again...shocker! So I was in there for a while longer, it ended up being over a month.
I got pneumonia multiple times after that but never bad enough to go to the hospital. At that point my parents were respiratory therapists and could take care of me at home. In a sense I missed the hospital, not that I missed being near death, but let's face it I missed being spoiled and I missed the fun times I did have while in there.
When I was fifteen or sixteen I broke my first bone, that I knew of. I had hurt myself numerous times before, especially my ankles, but never went to the doctor for them. This time it was my arm. I knew something wasn't right but I wasn't sure it was broken and nobody else thought it was broken. I went to school and couldn't use it at all because of the pain. My mom took me to the ER after school and when they said it was broken it shocked us both. I was then told that I have osteoporosis. Six months later I fell and broke my leg in three places. A year later I sprained my ankle. It was a long couple of years.
I also have tail bone problems because of my old chair. The seat wasn't comfortable and sitting in it for so long for five years really screwed it up. Apparently it's close to the skin. It's somewhat better now but I still have trouble with it once in a while. I also have been anemic a lot, have migraines often, and they're not sure but they have recently been talking about me having Lupus. This doesn't even cover my depression or eating problems.
I am in pain almost constantly. I don't even remember the last time something didn't hurt, some days are better than others but when I say better I mean doing daily things distracts me from the pain. This has been going on for years but I refuse to take pain killers. This is just one of the reasons I have been afraid lately. It's getting worse. It's bad, and it's not just my bones and muscles any more, it's internal. My stomach always hurts, my head always hurts, and even on occasion my lungs hurt. No one knows this. I'm afraid that if I start telling doctors then they will start doing a bunch of tests and honestly I don't want to know if anything else is wrong. I can imagine me barely eating is really making things worse. I know this, yet I can't stop because it's the only way I can really lose weight and if I was smaller than I would not only be able to move more but also feel better about myself. I'm also afraid of getting sick because I've seen it go downhill so quickly with others. It really terrifies me. I don't want to get so weak and sick to the point where I can't get out of bed.
I'm sorry this post is so long, I was going to write more but I will stop for now. If you actually read all this I appreciate it. I need someone to listen right now, even if I don't know you're reading it. I have wanted to talk to someone about this for a while now but have been too worried of what people would think. The only people who know about my eating problems are a couple of friends and those who read this, I don't want people to think badly of me because of it. I am working on it, I just don't really know how or what to do. I want to be healthier. I'm just scared and tired of putting on a brave face when all I want to do is tell someone why I'm really upset, which this is only part of what's been upsetting me. There's also school, the fact that I think I chose the wrong major, I am stressed beyond max, I can't sleep, and to top it all off I've like the same guy for over two years, and it keeps being brought up by everyone because apparently it's obvious even though I tried so hard to say it wasn't true, but I can't do anything about it, no matter how hard I try. But that's a post for another day. I don't want pity for the things I've said in this... I just want someone to tell me everything is going to be ok.
~Caitlin
When I was ten months old I was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. The doctors weren't really sure what type, they often said different things. It was finally decided that I have Spinal Muscular Atrophy, but there are four types of that and they never officially said which type I have. They were confused because I could sit up on my own once someone sat me up, I could hold up my head, move my arms completely "normally", and even roll over, but I could not use my legs at all. I could move them but I couldn't even crawl. As the years went by it got harder and harder to lift my arms up over my head to the point where I couldn't do it anymore, I can't roll over by myself anymore, well I can roll over to my back if I am on my side sometimes. I can still sit on my own once someone helps me up, I can still hold my head up, and I still can't use my legs.
When I was a baby I started getting sick. I had pneumonia more times than I can count and have more memories of being in the hospital as a child than being out. I honestly don't remember a whole lot of the sick part, I think I blocked most of that out. I have been on vents numerous times, and have been extremely sick. My parents were told I wouldn't live past two, then it was four. The only "bad" thing I remember from the hospital was how many times they would have to stick me with needles to try and get an IV started. I remember one time in particular being so bad my mom had to leave. I was very young, there were multiple people surrounding me all poking me with needles trying to get one started, I was crying of course and screaming. I remember screaming for my dad, who stayed in there, asking him to help me get them away from me. I was so confused on why he wasn't helping me. I'll never forget the look on his face, or the pain and trauma I went through that day.
As bad as that was though, I had some really good times in Riley Hospital. I basically grew up there, as I said I have more memories of being in there than out. I remember on Sunday evenings, when it was pretty empty, going down stairs with my dad to the main lobby. He would let me go up and down the glass elevators as much as I wanted, he would get a manual chair and we would race up and down the halls, we would go into this room where there were statues and stuff and play hide and seek, he would take me upstairs to see the giant doll houses. I remember always wanting to go to the little library they had and the play room with all the toys, even though I usually wasn't allowed to because they were afraid of me getting more sick from the other kids. They would always bring me games and coloring books though. The hospital is where I got my imagination and my creativity.
When I was four, I kept getting really bad. They weren't sure how much longer I was going to make it. That summer I got to "make a wish". I went to Disney World with my mom, dad, and Megan. It was amazing of course, and I do actually remember bits and pieces. We also visited my grandpa while down there and went on his sail boat, while docked, and I remember seeing dolphins. I remember it very much. The sun was starting to set, and the sky was kind of orange. I didn't see the whole dolphins, just their fins as they went back under water and they looked like they were shining. I thought they were mermaids. Now before you think I'm crazy remember I was four years old, had just spent days at Disney World, and The Little Mermaid was my favorite movie. But what was truly amazing about this trip was that I was actually healthy, and from then on I didn't get near as bad. Yeah I was still getting pneumonia quite a bit, but no more vents, no more staying in the hospital for a month or two at a time. It was to the point where my parents kind of knew how to prevent it or at least how to treat it so that it wouldn't get so bad. They both ended up going back to school to be respiratory therapist because of all this.
When I was seven I had my tonsils removed because I kept getting strep throat which would lead to a cold which would lead to pneumonia, or something like that. I then had surgery on my back. I had two medal rods placed in my back because of my scoliosis. That was the last time I was on a vent, and I was only on it because they were worried about putting me under for so long. I was only supposed to be in the hospital for a couple weeks, but toward the end of my recovery I got pneumonia again...shocker! So I was in there for a while longer, it ended up being over a month.
I got pneumonia multiple times after that but never bad enough to go to the hospital. At that point my parents were respiratory therapists and could take care of me at home. In a sense I missed the hospital, not that I missed being near death, but let's face it I missed being spoiled and I missed the fun times I did have while in there.
When I was fifteen or sixteen I broke my first bone, that I knew of. I had hurt myself numerous times before, especially my ankles, but never went to the doctor for them. This time it was my arm. I knew something wasn't right but I wasn't sure it was broken and nobody else thought it was broken. I went to school and couldn't use it at all because of the pain. My mom took me to the ER after school and when they said it was broken it shocked us both. I was then told that I have osteoporosis. Six months later I fell and broke my leg in three places. A year later I sprained my ankle. It was a long couple of years.
I also have tail bone problems because of my old chair. The seat wasn't comfortable and sitting in it for so long for five years really screwed it up. Apparently it's close to the skin. It's somewhat better now but I still have trouble with it once in a while. I also have been anemic a lot, have migraines often, and they're not sure but they have recently been talking about me having Lupus. This doesn't even cover my depression or eating problems.
I am in pain almost constantly. I don't even remember the last time something didn't hurt, some days are better than others but when I say better I mean doing daily things distracts me from the pain. This has been going on for years but I refuse to take pain killers. This is just one of the reasons I have been afraid lately. It's getting worse. It's bad, and it's not just my bones and muscles any more, it's internal. My stomach always hurts, my head always hurts, and even on occasion my lungs hurt. No one knows this. I'm afraid that if I start telling doctors then they will start doing a bunch of tests and honestly I don't want to know if anything else is wrong. I can imagine me barely eating is really making things worse. I know this, yet I can't stop because it's the only way I can really lose weight and if I was smaller than I would not only be able to move more but also feel better about myself. I'm also afraid of getting sick because I've seen it go downhill so quickly with others. It really terrifies me. I don't want to get so weak and sick to the point where I can't get out of bed.
I'm sorry this post is so long, I was going to write more but I will stop for now. If you actually read all this I appreciate it. I need someone to listen right now, even if I don't know you're reading it. I have wanted to talk to someone about this for a while now but have been too worried of what people would think. The only people who know about my eating problems are a couple of friends and those who read this, I don't want people to think badly of me because of it. I am working on it, I just don't really know how or what to do. I want to be healthier. I'm just scared and tired of putting on a brave face when all I want to do is tell someone why I'm really upset, which this is only part of what's been upsetting me. There's also school, the fact that I think I chose the wrong major, I am stressed beyond max, I can't sleep, and to top it all off I've like the same guy for over two years, and it keeps being brought up by everyone because apparently it's obvious even though I tried so hard to say it wasn't true, but I can't do anything about it, no matter how hard I try. But that's a post for another day. I don't want pity for the things I've said in this... I just want someone to tell me everything is going to be ok.
~Caitlin
Monday, December 31, 2012
Dec31, 2012
Well, obviously I didn't keep up with writing in this as much as I planned. So much has happened since Thanksgiving but I honestly don't want to talk about it at the moment. A lot of drama mixed with too many emotions. I don't know what I'm feeling right now and I'm honestly trying to avoid it because I'm a hot mess about it all. Basically though, I told the previously mentioned person I like them, they didn't feel the same but we are still friends, I then kind of fell back into liking someone else, we spent a lot of time together, I thought maybe things were changing and that I had a chance, he still doesn't feel the same, I made things awkward as usual, we got past it and are friends, I told both of them I was fine with being friends when I'm not, and here we are.
I wanted to write about New Years though. I am sitting at home with my dad, stepmom, John and his 3 friends. I really wanted to go to Natalie's but didn't have a way there or back. So once again I'm missing out on a great time with my friends. It's very annoying not being able to drive myself to see my friends whenever I want. Anyways... So I wanted to put on here my New Years resolutions so that I have it down and can say if I went through with them. So...
New Years Resolutions:
1. Lose weight- I know I say this every year but it's always an ongoing goal of mine. I have lost around 50-60 pounds since high school, which is more than I thought possible due to sitting all the time, but I still need to lose more.
2. Drink less soda till I get to the point where I don't drink it anymore.
3. No cutting.
4. Get better grades, study, be the student I used to be.
5. Get a control on my eating problems, whether it be a disorder or not. Eat healthier and more often. No more lying about eating. No more skipping meals.
I'm sure there are more but this is it for now. I'll try updating the list as often as I can remember. I also want to blog more often and not keep these feelings bottled up like I have in the past.
Happy New Years!
~Cait :)
I wanted to write about New Years though. I am sitting at home with my dad, stepmom, John and his 3 friends. I really wanted to go to Natalie's but didn't have a way there or back. So once again I'm missing out on a great time with my friends. It's very annoying not being able to drive myself to see my friends whenever I want. Anyways... So I wanted to put on here my New Years resolutions so that I have it down and can say if I went through with them. So...
New Years Resolutions:
1. Lose weight- I know I say this every year but it's always an ongoing goal of mine. I have lost around 50-60 pounds since high school, which is more than I thought possible due to sitting all the time, but I still need to lose more.
2. Drink less soda till I get to the point where I don't drink it anymore.
3. No cutting.
4. Get better grades, study, be the student I used to be.
5. Get a control on my eating problems, whether it be a disorder or not. Eat healthier and more often. No more lying about eating. No more skipping meals.
I'm sure there are more but this is it for now. I'll try updating the list as often as I can remember. I also want to blog more often and not keep these feelings bottled up like I have in the past.
Happy New Years!
~Cait :)
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Dec1, 2012
Sorry forgot to hit publish...
Wow, so much for trying to write in this every day. I went home two weekends ago for the first time since school started. Thanksgiving was really good. I started out at my dad's. We were going to go to the Bravo's, Eric's girlfriend (Polly)'s house, but it isn't accessible. So we had our dinner at Rancho Bravo. It was closed, we brought all of our food there. It ended up being Eric, Polly, Megan, John, my dad, Becky, and I. It was really great being altogether, That doesn't happen very often. For those of you who don't know, Eric is my older step-brother, Megan is my younger sister, John is my younger half-brother, and Becky is my step-mom. However, the words "step" and "half" don't exist in our house. Eric is 22, Megan is 19 and John is almost 13. Eric has been my friend since I was very young, like 2, and has been my brother since I was 7, he was 8. In my opinion he is just as much my brother as Megan is my sister. I also have a younger "half" sister, Macy, on my moms side, who is 13. I am very close with all of my siblings, as they are all with each other. John and Macy, even though from different sides are extremely close friends, they are in the same grade, at the same school, and have often called each other their best friends. Anyway, as we have gotten older, we have grown apart, especially with me living 2 hours away 8 months of the year. When I am home I rarely see Eric since he has moved out, and Megan is always gone at a friends house or out. So it was very nice to have us all in one place. I then went to my mom's house. My grandma came up, my aunt and her new husband came up from Florida, my cousin Shelby came up, and then Megan, Macy, my mom, her boyfriend Lance, his sisters Lori and Kim, their husband Larry and Toni, and some of their kids were there. It was really good seeing everyone. As much as I love being at school, I really do miss them when I'm gone.
~Cait :)
Wow, so much for trying to write in this every day. I went home two weekends ago for the first time since school started. Thanksgiving was really good. I started out at my dad's. We were going to go to the Bravo's, Eric's girlfriend (Polly)'s house, but it isn't accessible. So we had our dinner at Rancho Bravo. It was closed, we brought all of our food there. It ended up being Eric, Polly, Megan, John, my dad, Becky, and I. It was really great being altogether, That doesn't happen very often. For those of you who don't know, Eric is my older step-brother, Megan is my younger sister, John is my younger half-brother, and Becky is my step-mom. However, the words "step" and "half" don't exist in our house. Eric is 22, Megan is 19 and John is almost 13. Eric has been my friend since I was very young, like 2, and has been my brother since I was 7, he was 8. In my opinion he is just as much my brother as Megan is my sister. I also have a younger "half" sister, Macy, on my moms side, who is 13. I am very close with all of my siblings, as they are all with each other. John and Macy, even though from different sides are extremely close friends, they are in the same grade, at the same school, and have often called each other their best friends. Anyway, as we have gotten older, we have grown apart, especially with me living 2 hours away 8 months of the year. When I am home I rarely see Eric since he has moved out, and Megan is always gone at a friends house or out. So it was very nice to have us all in one place. I then went to my mom's house. My grandma came up, my aunt and her new husband came up from Florida, my cousin Shelby came up, and then Megan, Macy, my mom, her boyfriend Lance, his sisters Lori and Kim, their husband Larry and Toni, and some of their kids were there. It was really good seeing everyone. As much as I love being at school, I really do miss them when I'm gone.
~Cait :)
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Nov3, 2012
Hello. So I don't really have anything to talk about today. Not a lot happened. I hung out with friends. We watched Magic Mike, which was good, I wasn't paying much attention and couldn't hear a lot of it so I'll probably need to watch it again. Plus I just really like Channing Tatum.
Speaking of liking people. I still really like this guy. A few people have told me to just tell him how I feel but I don't do that...I always chicken out. Plus I really don't see the point in telling him because I'm pretty sure he'd never feel the same. So why put myself out there just to get rejected, again. I don't want to ruin our friendship or make things awkward because it would. It really would because of who it is. I don't know...I really like him though, that's the problem. Whenever I'm around him it's like my whole mood changes. I can't help but just feeling really happy around him. Happier than I normally am if I'm being honest. I shouldn't feel this way and it really scares the hell out of me that I do. And I'm so comfortable around him. When I've liked guys in the past I was always so nervous and felt like I had to try so hard but with him I don't. I feel like I can just be me. I know this is weird and probably too much info but let's be honest, that's what this blog is all about. Me telling the truth about what I'm feeling.
Ok, I know this was pretty much a pointless post but I am really trying to write at least something everyday. I'm going to go back to sewing now. Night!
~Cait :)
Song of the day is Addicted by Kelly Clarkson. If you know it then it's pretty self explanatory of why it's the song I chose for this post haha...
Speaking of liking people. I still really like this guy. A few people have told me to just tell him how I feel but I don't do that...I always chicken out. Plus I really don't see the point in telling him because I'm pretty sure he'd never feel the same. So why put myself out there just to get rejected, again. I don't want to ruin our friendship or make things awkward because it would. It really would because of who it is. I don't know...I really like him though, that's the problem. Whenever I'm around him it's like my whole mood changes. I can't help but just feeling really happy around him. Happier than I normally am if I'm being honest. I shouldn't feel this way and it really scares the hell out of me that I do. And I'm so comfortable around him. When I've liked guys in the past I was always so nervous and felt like I had to try so hard but with him I don't. I feel like I can just be me. I know this is weird and probably too much info but let's be honest, that's what this blog is all about. Me telling the truth about what I'm feeling.
Ok, I know this was pretty much a pointless post but I am really trying to write at least something everyday. I'm going to go back to sewing now. Night!
~Cait :)
Song of the day is Addicted by Kelly Clarkson. If you know it then it's pretty self explanatory of why it's the song I chose for this post haha...
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