Oct29, 2012

Hey guys, it's like 1:20 am and technically the 30th right now but whenever I post stuff it says it's like 6 hours earlier than it actually is but I don't know how to change that so I'm just going with it I guess. Anyway, I made the mistake of drinking some Mountain Dew and now I can't sleep, plus I have a lot on my mind, so here I am. I apologize ahead of time for this post being a bit of a downer but I need to talk about a couple of things.

First, as some of you know I have a lot of self confidence issues. If you've read my past posts, especially from early 2011, you know that this problem can get really bad. I've been having some of these problems again the last few weeks. My biggest insecurity is my weight. Being in a wheelchair, unable to really move a whole lot, really makes it difficult to keep my weight down and nearly impossible to lose weight. But I've managed to lose almost 50 pounds in the last few years, maybe more now, I'm never really sure how much I weigh until I am in the hospital. This may not seem like a whole lot but think about it, for someone who doesn't move and doesn't eat real healthy food, it kind of is a lot. I have a problem eating. I am aware of it but I don't know what to do about it. I barely eat, if I eat at all, and when I do I feel disgusting... I know this is bad. I know I need to stop. It was brought to my attention today that I may have an eating disorder. I've told only a couple of people about these problems but until today I had never heard those words. Don't get me wrong, I've heard them multiple times, but never about me. I've seen movies and shows about people with eating disorders but never thought that they had any connection to me. Maybe I was wrong... I don't know. I do know I have a problem though, and I guess the first step is always admitting that. I just need to figure out what to do next.

Second, this guy I like...We hung out recently and I thought maybe I would realize I didn't really like him as much as I thought. I was wrong. Very wrong. It only stirred up those feelings and made me remember all the reasons why I like him. I don't know what to about it. One friend said I either need to just tell him or move on and stop torturing myself. I told another friend that someone had said that and also said I should tell him. I just don't think he would feel the same and I don't want things to be awkward. I'm just really scared honestly. I've never felt this way before and it really scares the hell out of me. I just don't know what to do...

The rest can wait for another time, it's now 1:40, and I have to get up in a little over 5 hours so I'm going to attempt to sleep. Thanks for listening to my rants. I didn't write this for people to feel sorry for me or anything, I just needed to get it out there. If you have any advice or words of encouragement though, please share. Thanks!
~Cait

My song for the day is Theme From New York, New York by Frank Sinatra. I just love him and this song is great. Go listen to it if you haven't heard it. "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere, it's up to you New York, New York!" :)

Oct25, 2012

Hey guys! It's been a while since I last wrote, and so much has happened since then! Okay, lies not much has really happened haha.

Well there was Homecoming week for starters. I went to Air Jam, which is a lip sync/dance competition that is held every year. I had never been before this year, and it was a blast! I don't know why I had never gone before. At the end, they name Homecoming King and Queen and there court. Donelle made it in to the court!! Which means she was in the top 5! It was very exciting! Then it was Homecoming weekend. I had been waiting for that weekend for a long time and let me tell you it was worth the wait. We had so much fun! Matt, Bri and I had started a tradition of going to Puerto's every Friday night, so that Friday was no different other than a bigger group went. Then on Saturday Bri, Belle, Matt, Christian and I went to Cleo's for Breakfast Club, and then over to The Cup to actually get breakfast. We then met up with Donelle's mom, grandparents and Chaneigh to watch the parade. We then went over to Matt's for a few and then met up with everyone in the tailgating parking lot. We had a lot of fun, or at least I did. It was great seeing everyone and having people come up, like Natalie, Jc, his friend, Leah, Christian, Elizabeth and Joe. The rest of the day we just kind of chilled and 'recovered' hahaha. That was pretty much it, nothing to exciting, but it was fun.

This past weekend was Fall Break, and I actually had a five day weekend! I didn't do a whole lot. I relaxed a lot, it was wonderful! Saturday Round Table ordered pizza and watched a movie, and then I went and watched Hocus Pocus with Donelle, Tyler and Ashley. Donelle was on duty and doing rounds almost the whole time I was there though. Tyler, Ashley and I had a lot of fun though, and then on Sunday the three of us went to Red Lobster and ate a ridiculous amount of shrimp. It was so fantastic! That's pretty much the excitement of my Fall Break though. I mainly chilled in my room, napped, painted and watched a LOT of One Tree Hill...

And now it's almost the weekend again! But I think I am getting sick :( I have felt like crap all day. Hopefully I feel better soon though. Other than that there's really nothing else to tell. Oh, other than my screen on my phone shattering! Hahaha yeah... it still works though, for now. It was a joint effort of Matt and I. Kind of a long story, not really, just not important. I think I am due for an upgrade though so I can probably get a new one soon. Ok now I'm done, nothing left.
~Cait:)

PS every time I blog now I am going to put what song I am obsessed with for the day. Today it is Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin. I forgot about it for a long time and then I heard it on One Tree Hill and the other day I came across it on Spotify so I've been listening to it like crazy :)

Oct5, 2012

Hello there. Monday night was the Homecoming fashion show, it was a lot of fun. Donelle made it into the top 10!! I'm so happy for her, it's really exciting. I know a few others who made it as well, so it was really awesome. However, as happy as I was/am for them, I really felt down that day. I've talked about some of my depression problems before as well as my eating habits. I had been doing better with the whole eating thing but recently I've been having difficulties again. Last weekend I barely ate anything and the rest of the week has been pretty much the same. Eating makes me feel disgusting. I was feeling really down that night and honestly nothing was making me feel better. I went out to round table so that I wouldn't have to be alone. Oh I never said what round table was, it's basically a bunch of friends and I just sitting around talking, usually for hours on end. I wasn't counting on it making me feel better but I knew I shouldn't be by myself, I've done some stupid things in my life while feeling like that. I went out there and just sat, kind of observing everything, not really talking. One of my friends asked me if I was ok though, and just those three words made a world of difference. When I start feeling like that it usually comes with the feeling that no one cares. I know it isn't true but that's how I feel. When he asked me if I was ok I almost broke down but didn't. He kept asking me because he could tell I was lying about being fine. And then he just got up and came over to give me a hug. It helped more than I can say. By the end of the night I felt much better. This guy and I have known each other for a couple years now but we weren't really close until this semester. I can't believe how close we've become so quickly. I honestly consider him one of my best friend now. We have so much in common and I know that I could trust him with anything. So if you're reading this, you know who you are, thank you. I hope you know how much of a difference you made that night, and I'm so grateful that I have you in my life. You have blogged about feeling like a bad friend recently, but you should know you're not, or not intentionally. I don't think you ever could be, maybe I'm wrong but I usually have pretty good intuition about people and you're a good person. So don't take what that one person said to heart. I know they're your best friend but it's not like you chose to grow apart. I'm kind of just babbling now and I'm sorry for that, I just hope you know that at least I think you're a great friend and I'm so glad that we're closer than ever now. Thanks for helping me and always being there for me.

~Cait :)

Oct1, 2012

Okay, I know I just blogged a little while ago but I'm doing another one. I'm kind of bored and realized I haven't done a list of favorites in a while. Plus I never explained my new obsession with One Tree Hill like I said I would. So I'm going to do that and then list my favorite shows, fitting right?

A couple of weeks ago I was watching OTH with my friends Ashley and Brandon. They started at the beginning and are watching them all in order. Well, I decided one day to watch it with them but they were on season 5 so I really had no clue what was going on. I then decided to start from the beginning myself and watch them all. I got addicted and cannot stop watching it. I have been watching it for I think three weeks now and am about halfway through season 5! They have been watching it for months now, but they only watch maybe a couple episodes a week if that. Needless to say, I have a problem.

On to my list. I'm actually going to make two lists. One of my top five favorite current shows, and the other of my top five I could watch over and over favorite shows. OTH is my favorite right now but just because it's my newest obsession, so it will not be in these list.

Top 5 Favorite Current Shows:
5. Project Runway

4. Glee

3. Grey's Anatomy

2. Vampire Diaries

1. Pretty Little Liars

Top 5 I Could Watch Over And Over Favorite Shows:
5. Psych

4. The Nanny

3. Friends

2. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

1. Boy Meets World


~Cait :)

Sept30, 2012

Hey there! Just wanted to update/talk about some stuff. So this weekend was awesome! Friday night Bri, Matt and I went to Puerto's. It was a lot of fun and we laughed sooo much!! I can't even remember all the reasons why but it was pretty great. Then Saturday was the NRHH conference, and it was The Hunger Games themed. Noyer was district 7, the lumber district. So we dressed up in plaid like lumberjacks and brought some of the trees from Noyer hahaha. We sang the "I'm a lumberjack" song from Monte Python, but changed the words for our roll call and won best roll call. It was hilarious. Shannon and I did a program about random acts of kindness and I think it went really well. Then I kind of helped with another program, or tried to. It was all a lot of fun. That night Matt came over to hang out and we just chilled all night. We didn't do a whole lot but it was great just hanging out like we used to. It was pretty fun especially when we were getting slap happy because we were so tired and we couldn't stop laughing. Then today Bri, Matt and I went to The Cup for breakfast and then went to church. It was great. I love this church so much and it always makes me feel so much better when I go.
The other thing I wanted to talk about is simply because I can't really talk to anyone about it. I really like this guy, I know I know, very cliché of me. But I do. A lot. I like him a lot and I just don't know really what to do about it. Every time I think of him or see him, even of its just a picture, I can't help but smile. Every time he gets brought up I can't help but smile and look like an idiot. But then when I start thinking more about it and him I get sad because I know I only have like a 2% chance of him ever feeling the same way. I know I can't tell him how I feel and I know he will probably never feel the same but I can't stop. It's frustrating. I told myself I wouldn't do this anymore but it's so much worse this time. I've never felt this way and honestly it scares the crap out of me because I don't want to be hurt again, and I don't know if I can handle having more to be sad about right now. I don't know...it's whatever. I guess for now I'm just going to go with the flow and if it happens to work out then great but I'm not counting on it.
~Cait

Sept20, 2012

Hey sorry it's been a while, it's been a hectic couple of weeks. I know my last couple of posts were kind of downers and I apologize, but that's why I created this blog. I'm not great at expressing myself in person, so I got this to write down how I'm feeling, especially when I am not able to just tell someone how I am feeling. However, I also got it to tell about the good times, I've always been bad at keeping diaries or journals but I want something I can look back on in the future. This blog isn't written to make anyone feel bad for me on the crappy days or make people jealous on the awesome days. I didn't start it hoping that a ton of people would read it. I write it simply for me and so that if there's even one person reading this, then at least one person will know how I feel about everything...

This last week has been one of the worst and best all at the same time. I'm not going to go into a ton of details because well honestly, it's 1 am and I have to get up in 6 hours and because some of the details I wouldn't mind forgetting. Last Monday my best friend's older brother passed away, he had ALS which is another type of MD. He didn't know he had it until last year, but it progressed extremely fast. I didn't know him well, I never actually met him in person, but I interviewed him for a class one time and he was talked of often by his brother. I was extremely upset by his passing to say the least. The next day another close friend of mine had a death in the family, her uncle. I did know him at all, I don't even know his name, but it still hurt me that she was having to go through this, that they both were. Wednesday I had a meltdown. It was about Bethany again, and just death in general. It was pretty bad. I think it finally just sank in. You know the different stages of grief? Well I went through the denial stage, I didn't believe she was really gone, then the anger stage, I couldn't believe this actually happened and didn't understand why it did, then was the bargaining stage, all I could think was I'd do anything just to see her one last time. I think the depression stage hit me on Wednesday. It was quite possibly the worst pain I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Since then I just feel like there's this emptiness inside of me, like no matter what I do I still feel sad and alone, like it's not going to get any easier. But it will. The final stage is acceptance. I know it's going to take a while but I'm hoping I make it to this stage somewhat soon.

Muscular Dystrophy has taken many lives this year, and I can't help but think...who's next? I'm honestly terrified of who it's going to take next. I talked to my dad about this a couple months ago and when I mentioned this he asked if I was scared it was going to be me. I'm not. I'm not scared that it could be me that is next. I'm honestly just scared it could be one of my friends. I honestly don't know if I could handle losing another person any time soon.

But on to happier things. Friday Natalie and Leah came to spend the night. We had so much fun! We went to eat at Qdoba then came back to make cookies, then we went out Cleo's (a bar in the village). Allen and Sifat joined us. It was just what I needed. The next day we went to IHOP and the mall, and then just came back and watched Crazy Stupid Love. I had so much fun and am so glad they decided to come visit.

Saturday held way too much drama and some stuff went down with a different group of people, but I'm not going to talk about that because it's over with and everyone's fine now so I just want to move on...

Monday my mom and Macy came up to visit. We went to Red Lobster and it was probably the greatest meal of my life. They had the endless shrimp deal going on so I got shrimp alfredo and garlic shrimp scampi, both were fantastically wonderful, as well as a strawberry pina colada. It was amazing and it was great seeing them.

Other than that everything has been pretty normal. Classes, homework, meetings, One Tree Hill, and round table pretty much consume my life right now, but I love it. Well, maybe not the homework or classes but everything else is great. I have great friends and we're having a great time. I will explain round table and my new One Tree Hill obsession at a later time, I'm going to sleep. Night <3

~Cait :)

Sept6, 2012

Have I ever mentioned some of the things I was considering doing with my life? Like what I want to do or be "when I grow up"? Well let me just tell you I have multiple things and I still am not sure what I want to do. As of right now I am going for Fashion Merchandising, I switched from Apparel Design. I had to switch because the sewing classes were getting to be too exhausting. I would love to work for a famous designer or fashion magazine and work my way up to having my own line, it's just going to be hard to do so when I'm limited in what I can physically do. However, I've always loved music and that's my true passion but I don't know what I would do with that. The ultimate dream would be singing either on Broadway or in a band but let's be honest, how many people have you ever seen in a wheelchair on Broadway? Plus I'm not exactly a good singer, I think I could be better with practice but at this point it's not happening. So singing is kind of out of the question even though it's my favorite thing to do. I've also considered teaching but I want to teach younger kids and I just don't think I'd be able to do it. What if I have a wild kid who tries doing something and I need to grab them to stop them? I wouldn't be able to. I've also considered doing something in astronomy. I love astronomy and I'm good at math. You know those movies where it shows a bunch of people working for NASA? I think that'd be cool, to be a part of historic events like sending people to space. I could physically do this job but I'm not like super smart and it'd be hard to actually get a job like that. Plus I'm afraid I'd get bored after a while with that if nothing exciting is going on. I've also, more than anything, always wanted to do something to help people or the world. I can't be a doctor because I can't deal with bodily fluids or with people dying. I want to be involved with WWF, the World Wildlife Fund, but I can help with this no matter what I end up doing, I just don't know if I want to work for them or just help them while doing something. And finally, what I want to do more than anything...is be a lawyer for the military. I've always wanted to be a lawyer but about ten years ago I decided I wanted to be one for the military. Since I can't physically fight for this country I want to fight for those who do. Freshman year I decided that's what I really want to do, so I emailed the army website, to the recruiters, asking if I'd be able do this while being physically disabled. I was told no, and that basically I couldn't do anything for or with them because I can't do basic training. This really upset me and to this day still does. It makes me sad that I want to help them so much and defend them but I can't because I can't do push ups, etc..

I don't mean to make anyone upset by this or make anyone feel bad for me. That's not at all what I intended. I just simply needed to vent about this. It really gets to me sometimes because the couple of things I really want to do I can't physically do. I try not to be down about my disease but once in a while it just really upsets me. Today is one of those days. If you have any suggestions on what I should do with my life please let me know, because as of right now I don't really have a plan and I'm getting pretty nervous about going out into the real world without having a clue as to what I really want to do.
~Cait