Hello. So I don't really have anything to talk about today. Not a lot happened. I hung out with friends. We watched Magic Mike, which was good, I wasn't paying much attention and couldn't hear a lot of it so I'll probably need to watch it again. Plus I just really like Channing Tatum.
Speaking of liking people. I still really like this guy. A few people have told me to just tell him how I feel but I don't do that...I always chicken out. Plus I really don't see the point in telling him because I'm pretty sure he'd never feel the same. So why put myself out there just to get rejected, again. I don't want to ruin our friendship or make things awkward because it would. It really would because of who it is. I don't know...I really like him though, that's the problem. Whenever I'm around him it's like my whole mood changes. I can't help but just feeling really happy around him. Happier than I normally am if I'm being honest. I shouldn't feel this way and it really scares the hell out of me that I do. And I'm so comfortable around him. When I've liked guys in the past I was always so nervous and felt like I had to try so hard but with him I don't. I feel like I can just be me. I know this is weird and probably too much info but let's be honest, that's what this blog is all about. Me telling the truth about what I'm feeling.
Ok, I know this was pretty much a pointless post but I am really trying to write at least something everyday. I'm going to go back to sewing now. Night!
~Cait :)
Song of the day is Addicted by Kelly Clarkson. If you know it then it's pretty self explanatory of why it's the song I chose for this post haha...
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
Nov2, 2012
Hey guys, I'm going to really try keeping up on this so that I don't have as much to say every time. Plus I want to see how many days in a row I can blog.
So I am feeling much better today. I am not completely better but I didn't plan on being. I know it's going to take a lot of work and time. I had trouble eating lunch today. I barely ate anything but felt full, like I ate a lot. Matt thinks I have an eating disorder, anorexia actually. This scares me. I don't think I am anorexic. Don't you have to be super skinny to have that? I don't know, I know something is wrong though. He read through the symptoms and stuff and I do have most of them but I don't think I have it. He's really worried for me as usual though and I feel bad. He keeps telling me I should talk to someone, and I know I should but at the same time...I like losing weight...
On to happier things. Tonight I didn't do anything. Donelle came over for a little while, we talked for a long time and then she fell asleep hahaha. I don't know what it is about my room but it really makes people want to sleep...hence the reason I nap so much. Then I went and talked to Brandon at the desk for a few and got food. I came back to my room and watched The Wedding Planner. It's such a good movie, I hadn't seen it in years! Normally I hate sitting in my room alone, but I actually had a really nice, relaxing time. Oh, and I decided I want to be a wedding planner. I've been thinking about this for years but watching this movie made me realize it's something I really could do and love. I think it'd be a lot of fun, and I love weddings! Okay, well as I said, my room makes me very tired haha and it's almost 2 am, so I am going to go. Niiiight!
~Cait :)
Song of the day is Sophmore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year by Fall Out Boy. I just really love this song and listened to it like 12 times today haha :)
So I am feeling much better today. I am not completely better but I didn't plan on being. I know it's going to take a lot of work and time. I had trouble eating lunch today. I barely ate anything but felt full, like I ate a lot. Matt thinks I have an eating disorder, anorexia actually. This scares me. I don't think I am anorexic. Don't you have to be super skinny to have that? I don't know, I know something is wrong though. He read through the symptoms and stuff and I do have most of them but I don't think I have it. He's really worried for me as usual though and I feel bad. He keeps telling me I should talk to someone, and I know I should but at the same time...I like losing weight...
On to happier things. Tonight I didn't do anything. Donelle came over for a little while, we talked for a long time and then she fell asleep hahaha. I don't know what it is about my room but it really makes people want to sleep...hence the reason I nap so much. Then I went and talked to Brandon at the desk for a few and got food. I came back to my room and watched The Wedding Planner. It's such a good movie, I hadn't seen it in years! Normally I hate sitting in my room alone, but I actually had a really nice, relaxing time. Oh, and I decided I want to be a wedding planner. I've been thinking about this for years but watching this movie made me realize it's something I really could do and love. I think it'd be a lot of fun, and I love weddings! Okay, well as I said, my room makes me very tired haha and it's almost 2 am, so I am going to go. Niiiight!
~Cait :)
Song of the day is Sophmore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year by Fall Out Boy. I just really love this song and listened to it like 12 times today haha :)
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Nov1, 2012
1 year, 6 months, 17 days...
This is how long I made it. I have recently talked about my eating problems, which haven't gotten much better, but I left out a big part of my problems. Yes, I suffer from depression. Yes, I may have an eating disorder. I am not comfortable talking about these, but I would talk about them all day if I didn't have to mention the next thing. I know what you're thinking, why put it here for the world to see if I am uncomfortable talking about it? Well, I have talked about it on here before, a little over a year and a half ago, but it is relevant in my life right now and need to again. I am writing this, not to get sympathy, but so that I can express myself. It is much easier to write than to talk and to say it out loud. I am hoping that by having it on here maybe I can look back on this post the next time, and maybe it won't happen.
I used to cut myself. Simple as that. There's no smoother way of saying it, that I can think of so there you go. I have been in a dark place for the last few months. I'm not going to lie, a lot of it is because of Bethany dying. I am so lost without her. Not only do I miss her more than I can express but I also feel a great deal of guilt. Guilt that I didn't talk to her as often as used to. Guilt that the last text she sent me was in April saying how she was getting worse. Guilt that I didn't text her back after that. Guilt that I hadn't seen her in over a year. Guilt that I never got around to sending her her Christmas or birthday presents. Guilt that all she wanted, all she ever asked me, was for me to visit her. I can't take any of this back. I can't say sorry. I have no excuses for these things. I kept telling her I was busy, that was my excuse. Never be too busy for your friends...you never know how much time you get with them.
So all this had been building up, until now I had never said any of this. On top of that I am having eating problems again, as well as just general depression. Yesterday I had had enough. I'm not going to go into details because honestly I want to forget about it. Basically, Matt and I got into an argument. I am a very stubborn person so for me to say this...I caused it. He had said something and basically I just reacted wrong and blew up and then we just kept going at it. I am not saying in anyway what so ever that he caused me to do this. He absolutely did not. He is my best friend, and does so much for me. I would be completely lost without him. We met two years ago, when Bethany started getting bad. I honestly believe he was brought into my life at that point, not to replace her because no one could ever do that, but so that I would have someone when she left. He is the reason I had stopped cutting, April 14, 2011. I promised him I'd stop because I had never seen someone look hurt like that. I didn't realize it effected others when I did this. I did it because I was mad at myself. I was mad I had, not only started this fight, but also because I had snapped at him at least two other times in the last week. He doesn't deserve that. I felt like I was ruining our friendship, and I realized this as I was doing it but couldn't stop. I had already lost one best friend, I couldn't lose another...I was upset because I had let things build up again when I had been doing so good. I was upset because I had let my eating problems get out of control again. This is why I did it. I was in a dark place.
Matt came over, right after. He saw my wrist and just hugged me. I sat here crying for a good long while. He kept saying sorry. I tried telling him it wasn't his fault but I couldn't explain it right. Which is another reason I wanted to write this, to apologize and hopefully show why I did what I did. We made up obviously. Seriously I think our fights could win records for how short they last. We can't stay made, it's just not possible.
I feel a little better now but I know it's not going to just go away. I am thinking about going to the Counseling Center. I just want to stop feeling like this all the time. I feel so lonely even when surrounded by people. I feel like something is missing in me, and I need to fix it. So this is a new day. Day one. Me starting over. I'm not promising someone that I won't do it again, other than me. I'm not doing for anyone else. I'm promising for myself. I need to stop this for me. So here I go. I will not let the darkness defeat me again. I WILL get through this!
~Caitlin
Song for the day is Little Things by One Direction. It is their new song that came out this week. It's so good and really just goes with my mood. Go give it a listen :)
This is how long I made it. I have recently talked about my eating problems, which haven't gotten much better, but I left out a big part of my problems. Yes, I suffer from depression. Yes, I may have an eating disorder. I am not comfortable talking about these, but I would talk about them all day if I didn't have to mention the next thing. I know what you're thinking, why put it here for the world to see if I am uncomfortable talking about it? Well, I have talked about it on here before, a little over a year and a half ago, but it is relevant in my life right now and need to again. I am writing this, not to get sympathy, but so that I can express myself. It is much easier to write than to talk and to say it out loud. I am hoping that by having it on here maybe I can look back on this post the next time, and maybe it won't happen.
I used to cut myself. Simple as that. There's no smoother way of saying it, that I can think of so there you go. I have been in a dark place for the last few months. I'm not going to lie, a lot of it is because of Bethany dying. I am so lost without her. Not only do I miss her more than I can express but I also feel a great deal of guilt. Guilt that I didn't talk to her as often as used to. Guilt that the last text she sent me was in April saying how she was getting worse. Guilt that I didn't text her back after that. Guilt that I hadn't seen her in over a year. Guilt that I never got around to sending her her Christmas or birthday presents. Guilt that all she wanted, all she ever asked me, was for me to visit her. I can't take any of this back. I can't say sorry. I have no excuses for these things. I kept telling her I was busy, that was my excuse. Never be too busy for your friends...you never know how much time you get with them.
So all this had been building up, until now I had never said any of this. On top of that I am having eating problems again, as well as just general depression. Yesterday I had had enough. I'm not going to go into details because honestly I want to forget about it. Basically, Matt and I got into an argument. I am a very stubborn person so for me to say this...I caused it. He had said something and basically I just reacted wrong and blew up and then we just kept going at it. I am not saying in anyway what so ever that he caused me to do this. He absolutely did not. He is my best friend, and does so much for me. I would be completely lost without him. We met two years ago, when Bethany started getting bad. I honestly believe he was brought into my life at that point, not to replace her because no one could ever do that, but so that I would have someone when she left. He is the reason I had stopped cutting, April 14, 2011. I promised him I'd stop because I had never seen someone look hurt like that. I didn't realize it effected others when I did this. I did it because I was mad at myself. I was mad I had, not only started this fight, but also because I had snapped at him at least two other times in the last week. He doesn't deserve that. I felt like I was ruining our friendship, and I realized this as I was doing it but couldn't stop. I had already lost one best friend, I couldn't lose another...I was upset because I had let things build up again when I had been doing so good. I was upset because I had let my eating problems get out of control again. This is why I did it. I was in a dark place.
Matt came over, right after. He saw my wrist and just hugged me. I sat here crying for a good long while. He kept saying sorry. I tried telling him it wasn't his fault but I couldn't explain it right. Which is another reason I wanted to write this, to apologize and hopefully show why I did what I did. We made up obviously. Seriously I think our fights could win records for how short they last. We can't stay made, it's just not possible.
I feel a little better now but I know it's not going to just go away. I am thinking about going to the Counseling Center. I just want to stop feeling like this all the time. I feel so lonely even when surrounded by people. I feel like something is missing in me, and I need to fix it. So this is a new day. Day one. Me starting over. I'm not promising someone that I won't do it again, other than me. I'm not doing for anyone else. I'm promising for myself. I need to stop this for me. So here I go. I will not let the darkness defeat me again. I WILL get through this!
~Caitlin
Song for the day is Little Things by One Direction. It is their new song that came out this week. It's so good and really just goes with my mood. Go give it a listen :)
Monday, October 29, 2012
Oct29, 2012
Hey guys, it's like 1:20 am and technically the 30th right now but whenever I post stuff it says it's like 6 hours earlier than it actually is but I don't know how to change that so I'm just going with it I guess. Anyway, I made the mistake of drinking some Mountain Dew and now I can't sleep, plus I have a lot on my mind, so here I am. I apologize ahead of time for this post being a bit of a downer but I need to talk about a couple of things.
First, as some of you know I have a lot of self confidence issues. If you've read my past posts, especially from early 2011, you know that this problem can get really bad. I've been having some of these problems again the last few weeks. My biggest insecurity is my weight. Being in a wheelchair, unable to really move a whole lot, really makes it difficult to keep my weight down and nearly impossible to lose weight. But I've managed to lose almost 50 pounds in the last few years, maybe more now, I'm never really sure how much I weigh until I am in the hospital. This may not seem like a whole lot but think about it, for someone who doesn't move and doesn't eat real healthy food, it kind of is a lot. I have a problem eating. I am aware of it but I don't know what to do about it. I barely eat, if I eat at all, and when I do I feel disgusting... I know this is bad. I know I need to stop. It was brought to my attention today that I may have an eating disorder. I've told only a couple of people about these problems but until today I had never heard those words. Don't get me wrong, I've heard them multiple times, but never about me. I've seen movies and shows about people with eating disorders but never thought that they had any connection to me. Maybe I was wrong... I don't know. I do know I have a problem though, and I guess the first step is always admitting that. I just need to figure out what to do next.
Second, this guy I like...We hung out recently and I thought maybe I would realize I didn't really like him as much as I thought. I was wrong. Very wrong. It only stirred up those feelings and made me remember all the reasons why I like him. I don't know what to about it. One friend said I either need to just tell him or move on and stop torturing myself. I told another friend that someone had said that and also said I should tell him. I just don't think he would feel the same and I don't want things to be awkward. I'm just really scared honestly. I've never felt this way before and it really scares the hell out of me. I just don't know what to do...
The rest can wait for another time, it's now 1:40, and I have to get up in a little over 5 hours so I'm going to attempt to sleep. Thanks for listening to my rants. I didn't write this for people to feel sorry for me or anything, I just needed to get it out there. If you have any advice or words of encouragement though, please share. Thanks!
~Cait
My song for the day is Theme From New York, New York by Frank Sinatra. I just love him and this song is great. Go listen to it if you haven't heard it. "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere, it's up to you New York, New York!" :)
First, as some of you know I have a lot of self confidence issues. If you've read my past posts, especially from early 2011, you know that this problem can get really bad. I've been having some of these problems again the last few weeks. My biggest insecurity is my weight. Being in a wheelchair, unable to really move a whole lot, really makes it difficult to keep my weight down and nearly impossible to lose weight. But I've managed to lose almost 50 pounds in the last few years, maybe more now, I'm never really sure how much I weigh until I am in the hospital. This may not seem like a whole lot but think about it, for someone who doesn't move and doesn't eat real healthy food, it kind of is a lot. I have a problem eating. I am aware of it but I don't know what to do about it. I barely eat, if I eat at all, and when I do I feel disgusting... I know this is bad. I know I need to stop. It was brought to my attention today that I may have an eating disorder. I've told only a couple of people about these problems but until today I had never heard those words. Don't get me wrong, I've heard them multiple times, but never about me. I've seen movies and shows about people with eating disorders but never thought that they had any connection to me. Maybe I was wrong... I don't know. I do know I have a problem though, and I guess the first step is always admitting that. I just need to figure out what to do next.
Second, this guy I like...We hung out recently and I thought maybe I would realize I didn't really like him as much as I thought. I was wrong. Very wrong. It only stirred up those feelings and made me remember all the reasons why I like him. I don't know what to about it. One friend said I either need to just tell him or move on and stop torturing myself. I told another friend that someone had said that and also said I should tell him. I just don't think he would feel the same and I don't want things to be awkward. I'm just really scared honestly. I've never felt this way before and it really scares the hell out of me. I just don't know what to do...
The rest can wait for another time, it's now 1:40, and I have to get up in a little over 5 hours so I'm going to attempt to sleep. Thanks for listening to my rants. I didn't write this for people to feel sorry for me or anything, I just needed to get it out there. If you have any advice or words of encouragement though, please share. Thanks!
~Cait
My song for the day is Theme From New York, New York by Frank Sinatra. I just love him and this song is great. Go listen to it if you haven't heard it. "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere, it's up to you New York, New York!" :)
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Oct25, 2012
Hey guys! It's been a while since I last wrote, and so much has happened since then! Okay, lies not much has really happened haha.
Well there was Homecoming week for starters. I went to Air Jam, which is a lip sync/dance competition that is held every year. I had never been before this year, and it was a blast! I don't know why I had never gone before. At the end, they name Homecoming King and Queen and there court. Donelle made it in to the court!! Which means she was in the top 5! It was very exciting! Then it was Homecoming weekend. I had been waiting for that weekend for a long time and let me tell you it was worth the wait. We had so much fun! Matt, Bri and I had started a tradition of going to Puerto's every Friday night, so that Friday was no different other than a bigger group went. Then on Saturday Bri, Belle, Matt, Christian and I went to Cleo's for Breakfast Club, and then over to The Cup to actually get breakfast. We then met up with Donelle's mom, grandparents and Chaneigh to watch the parade. We then went over to Matt's for a few and then met up with everyone in the tailgating parking lot. We had a lot of fun, or at least I did. It was great seeing everyone and having people come up, like Natalie, Jc, his friend, Leah, Christian, Elizabeth and Joe. The rest of the day we just kind of chilled and 'recovered' hahaha. That was pretty much it, nothing to exciting, but it was fun.
This past weekend was Fall Break, and I actually had a five day weekend! I didn't do a whole lot. I relaxed a lot, it was wonderful! Saturday Round Table ordered pizza and watched a movie, and then I went and watched Hocus Pocus with Donelle, Tyler and Ashley. Donelle was on duty and doing rounds almost the whole time I was there though. Tyler, Ashley and I had a lot of fun though, and then on Sunday the three of us went to Red Lobster and ate a ridiculous amount of shrimp. It was so fantastic! That's pretty much the excitement of my Fall Break though. I mainly chilled in my room, napped, painted and watched a LOT of One Tree Hill...
And now it's almost the weekend again! But I think I am getting sick :( I have felt like crap all day. Hopefully I feel better soon though. Other than that there's really nothing else to tell. Oh, other than my screen on my phone shattering! Hahaha yeah... it still works though, for now. It was a joint effort of Matt and I. Kind of a long story, not really, just not important. I think I am due for an upgrade though so I can probably get a new one soon. Ok now I'm done, nothing left.
~Cait:)
PS every time I blog now I am going to put what song I am obsessed with for the day. Today it is Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin. I forgot about it for a long time and then I heard it on One Tree Hill and the other day I came across it on Spotify so I've been listening to it like crazy :)
Well there was Homecoming week for starters. I went to Air Jam, which is a lip sync/dance competition that is held every year. I had never been before this year, and it was a blast! I don't know why I had never gone before. At the end, they name Homecoming King and Queen and there court. Donelle made it in to the court!! Which means she was in the top 5! It was very exciting! Then it was Homecoming weekend. I had been waiting for that weekend for a long time and let me tell you it was worth the wait. We had so much fun! Matt, Bri and I had started a tradition of going to Puerto's every Friday night, so that Friday was no different other than a bigger group went. Then on Saturday Bri, Belle, Matt, Christian and I went to Cleo's for Breakfast Club, and then over to The Cup to actually get breakfast. We then met up with Donelle's mom, grandparents and Chaneigh to watch the parade. We then went over to Matt's for a few and then met up with everyone in the tailgating parking lot. We had a lot of fun, or at least I did. It was great seeing everyone and having people come up, like Natalie, Jc, his friend, Leah, Christian, Elizabeth and Joe. The rest of the day we just kind of chilled and 'recovered' hahaha. That was pretty much it, nothing to exciting, but it was fun.
This past weekend was Fall Break, and I actually had a five day weekend! I didn't do a whole lot. I relaxed a lot, it was wonderful! Saturday Round Table ordered pizza and watched a movie, and then I went and watched Hocus Pocus with Donelle, Tyler and Ashley. Donelle was on duty and doing rounds almost the whole time I was there though. Tyler, Ashley and I had a lot of fun though, and then on Sunday the three of us went to Red Lobster and ate a ridiculous amount of shrimp. It was so fantastic! That's pretty much the excitement of my Fall Break though. I mainly chilled in my room, napped, painted and watched a LOT of One Tree Hill...
And now it's almost the weekend again! But I think I am getting sick :( I have felt like crap all day. Hopefully I feel better soon though. Other than that there's really nothing else to tell. Oh, other than my screen on my phone shattering! Hahaha yeah... it still works though, for now. It was a joint effort of Matt and I. Kind of a long story, not really, just not important. I think I am due for an upgrade though so I can probably get a new one soon. Ok now I'm done, nothing left.
~Cait:)
PS every time I blog now I am going to put what song I am obsessed with for the day. Today it is Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin. I forgot about it for a long time and then I heard it on One Tree Hill and the other day I came across it on Spotify so I've been listening to it like crazy :)
Friday, October 5, 2012
Oct5, 2012
Hello there. Monday night was the Homecoming fashion show, it was a lot of fun. Donelle made it into the top 10!! I'm so happy for her, it's really exciting. I know a few others who made it as well, so it was really awesome. However, as happy as I was/am for them, I really felt down that day. I've talked about some of my depression problems before as well as my eating habits. I had been doing better with the whole eating thing but recently I've been having difficulties again. Last weekend I barely ate anything and the rest of the week has been pretty much the same. Eating makes me feel disgusting. I was feeling really down that night and honestly nothing was making me feel better. I went out to round table so that I wouldn't have to be alone. Oh I never said what round table was, it's basically a bunch of friends and I just sitting around talking, usually for hours on end. I wasn't counting on it making me feel better but I knew I shouldn't be by myself, I've done some stupid things in my life while feeling like that. I went out there and just sat, kind of observing everything, not really talking. One of my friends asked me if I was ok though, and just those three words made a world of difference. When I start feeling like that it usually comes with the feeling that no one cares. I know it isn't true but that's how I feel. When he asked me if I was ok I almost broke down but didn't. He kept asking me because he could tell I was lying about being fine. And then he just got up and came over to give me a hug. It helped more than I can say. By the end of the night I felt much better. This guy and I have known each other for a couple years now but we weren't really close until this semester. I can't believe how close we've become so quickly. I honestly consider him one of my best friend now. We have so much in common and I know that I could trust him with anything. So if you're reading this, you know who you are, thank you. I hope you know how much of a difference you made that night, and I'm so grateful that I have you in my life. You have blogged about feeling like a bad friend recently, but you should know you're not, or not intentionally. I don't think you ever could be, maybe I'm wrong but I usually have pretty good intuition about people and you're a good person. So don't take what that one person said to heart. I know they're your best friend but it's not like you chose to grow apart. I'm kind of just babbling now and I'm sorry for that, I just hope you know that at least I think you're a great friend and I'm so glad that we're closer than ever now. Thanks for helping me and always being there for me.
~Cait :)
~Cait :)
Monday, October 1, 2012
Oct1, 2012
Okay, I know I just blogged a little while ago but I'm doing another
one. I'm kind of bored and realized I haven't done a list of favorites
in a while. Plus I never explained my new obsession with One Tree Hill
like I said I would. So I'm going to do that and then list my favorite
shows, fitting right?
A couple of weeks ago I was watching OTH with my friends Ashley and Brandon. They started at the beginning and are watching them all in order. Well, I decided one day to watch it with them but they were on season 5 so I really had no clue what was going on. I then decided to start from the beginning myself and watch them all. I got addicted and cannot stop watching it. I have been watching it for I think three weeks now and am about halfway through season 5! They have been watching it for months now, but they only watch maybe a couple episodes a week if that. Needless to say, I have a problem.
On to my list. I'm actually going to make two lists. One of my top five favorite current shows, and the other of my top five I could watch over and over favorite shows. OTH is my favorite right now but just because it's my newest obsession, so it will not be in these list.
Top 5 Favorite Current Shows:
5. Project Runway
4. Glee
3. Grey's Anatomy
2. Vampire Diaries
1. Pretty Little Liars
Top 5 I Could Watch Over And Over Favorite Shows:
5. Psych
4. The Nanny
3. Friends
2. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
1. Boy Meets World
~Cait :)
A couple of weeks ago I was watching OTH with my friends Ashley and Brandon. They started at the beginning and are watching them all in order. Well, I decided one day to watch it with them but they were on season 5 so I really had no clue what was going on. I then decided to start from the beginning myself and watch them all. I got addicted and cannot stop watching it. I have been watching it for I think three weeks now and am about halfway through season 5! They have been watching it for months now, but they only watch maybe a couple episodes a week if that. Needless to say, I have a problem.
On to my list. I'm actually going to make two lists. One of my top five favorite current shows, and the other of my top five I could watch over and over favorite shows. OTH is my favorite right now but just because it's my newest obsession, so it will not be in these list.
Top 5 Favorite Current Shows:
5. Project Runway
4. Glee
3. Grey's Anatomy
2. Vampire Diaries
1. Pretty Little Liars
Top 5 I Could Watch Over And Over Favorite Shows:
5. Psych
4. The Nanny
3. Friends
2. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
1. Boy Meets World
~Cait :)
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